Chapter 7

Well since I am in the mood to "rant and raive" a bit I figured why not do so on my blog??  I thought I would take just a moment and educate some of my friends about the way the government works for folks like me....you know the ones who are on state assistance.  Remarks about Welfare on Facebook are all too familiar and personal to me.  Yes, it's a little bit of a sting each time I read somebody re-posting something about how they are paying MY food, medical, and housing bills each month.  Although a portion of this IS true I am not however wasting the tax payers money on booze, cigarettes, and gambling. As if I'm some lazy piece of junk that just wants to take the government, hard working tax payers, for everything they've got.  Believe me I never wanted to be on public assistance.  It wasn't a "goal" I set out for, and to this day it puts a very distinct and BITTER taste in my mouth when I think about it.  But YES! many of you are paying my food bill each month.  More of you are paying my doctor bills, prescription refills, and my rent each month!  More of you are paying for my heat in the wintertime.  This is NOT  fact I'm proud of, and to be frank I'm sorry if this kind of help for me angers you, but I urge each of my friends to remember the situation my children and I have been put in is not one of choice.  I NEVER said, "I think I'll just mooch off the system for awhile."

I remember the FIRST time I walked into Work Force Services in Clearfield.  I was standing in a building completely strange to me.  I didn't even know this place existed.  I was overcome with tears, and I still to this day remember them flowing freely as I asked the man behind the customer service desk what I needed to do to apply for government "help."  He directed me to some pamphlets, booklets, and other necessary paperwork to fill out.  I had heard of Food Stamps.  In fact, when I was a checker at grocery store during college I knew that they bought certain grocery items.  I knew they were different than WIC, but that I had to count out the money for the Food Stamps to make sure the person using them had enough to purchase their groceries.  My first encounter with these was when I was a checker and I actually had to tell a woman that she didn't have enough stamps to cover her bill.  I remember feeling so awful for this woman, and I felt even more awful having to tell her that her stamps didn't cover her bill.  She left all the groceries at my register for the bag boy to put back because she just couldn't use her cash to pay for things.  She simply DIDN'T have the money.  When I went into Clearfield I obtained the necessary papers to apply for this same program.  I was working at Corbin's Grille at the time, and I knew that I just didn't make enough money to pay for everything that my young children and I needed.  My job was completely secondary.  In my understanding while I was married...."your job is our PLAY money."  I didn't HAVE to work while I was married, but for my own sanity I needed too.  My husband never liked it when I worked.  I could always tell that.  It meant he was tied down with the children, but at the same time, I never really ASKED permission.  I just needed that time out to be a better mother, wife, and not to mention...have some adult conversation.

When I applied I had to fill out my whole life story on paper, then be interviewed over the phone and answer every question about my background.  The first go around I was COMPLETELY honest.  I told how my dad would help me if I couldn't make the rent on my new apartment.  I was forthcoming about I worked part time, and that at the moment I was still on my husbands health insurance for the next three months, or at least until our divorce was final.  The government was completely relentless at squeezing every detail out of me.  What were my assets?  Did I have a car, property, trust fund, insurance, or bank accounts in my name?  If so....how much did they total?  What were they worth?  Who was the beneficiary?  It wasn't until late that I learned just how LITTLE if nothing I could really have in my name.  Almost nothing can be claimed to be MINE.  For my honesty I was denied.  Then I was denied again.  The third go around and many months later, still not supporting myself, I filled out the assistance papers.  This time I had closed all bank accounts, insurance benefits were no longer in my name, I had not property, my car was not in my name, and I had signed off that I had NOTHING!  I was finally approved for assistance.  I felt relieved however, at the same time heartbroken.  My dad grew up in the depression.  Nothing was ever handed to him.  He worked for everything he had.  The man wouldn't buy a car unless he had the money to own it outright.  He wrote a check for a house, and then sold his old one.  The same year I got assistance my dad passed.  I kept hearing his voice in my head.  Like I needed to work harder, do more, I just felt that I had let him down by being on Food Stamps or Medicaid.  It was awful.  It IS awful feeling like you are NOTHING! That you can't support yourself.  Our system is so completely screwed up!!  If I work full time, as per my doctor, I will be sick and flat in bed in a matter of months.  However full time work is the only way I will qualify for insurance benefits.  My one medication a month....an Antiretroviral called Atripla is $2300 a month without insurance.  Thanks to Governor Herbert this medication has been uncovered anyhow since last October.  Thank goodness as of September 15, 2014 Medicaid will again cover this medication and I will no longer pay out of pocket in order to stay on my necessary life sentenced medication.  If I went to work part time (WHICH I TOTALLY FEEL I COULD DO) I would not have any health insurance, and surely could not afford my monthly medical bills.  I have already had to declare medical bankruptcy because medical bills, hospital stays, treatments, and medications. So the message to me is that I can sit and do NOTHING and get benefits through Social Security, or I work part time and have zero medical coverage.  Third option....I take the chance and work full time with the hopes I won't get sick.  The chances of that is extremely slim.  Not only will I most likely burn out, but my children are too young to get themselves here and there.  Ready for school, homework, extra activities etc. BUT the biggest...how long will any given company put up with my medical bills on their company's insurance before they let me go.  Sure Obama has said that you can no longer discriminate, but I don't put my trust in Obama.....BIG SHOCKER!!  It will only take a matter of months before any company gives me some sorry excuse about how they have to let me go because my position is no longer needed in their company, while really the reason behind my dismissal is that of high premiums on the company's medical program.

Soooo although it is NOTHING I'm proud of, I have learned that for now I have to accept the governments help for my family.  Belief me my self esteem has felt every blow that is ever joked about on Facebook about Welfare and assistance.  Not everyone who is on government help is a drug addict, in prison, or an alcoholic.  There are people like me who have been handed a messed up situation, and we have to deal with it.  Swallow big gulps of pride and accept the help.  I can't really say what the future brings, but as for now, this is where my life is and I have to be ok with that.  However, just because I am ok with it for now, doesn't mean that I am comfortable in my own shoes.  My self worth has taken a huge blow.  Self esteem knows in which company the majority of society holds me in, and I am reminded of that each month when the food stamp balance is put on my monthly card.  Just because I am on government help doesn't mean I want to be.  Just because I don't work part time doesn't mean I'm lazy, and just because I pretend to be fine with the way things are doesn't mean I am.