Chapter 9

I have discovered as I get older that I have been able to block a lot of memories from my mind.  Now, I'm not exactly sure if this is because perhaps my subconscious doesn't want to remember certain things, or if I have taken so much medication that I have permanently become lodged in a state of brain fog.  In many ways this has become a blessing in my life, however I learned the hard way that "stuffing" feelings down deep inside doesn't make them go away.  It only makes for some awful flashbacks that are crippling.  Diagnosed in 2010 with HIV I did not tell my family right away.  I did not tell my best friend until almost a year later.  I was ashamed, I was humiliated, and most of all I was in denial.  I felt completely fine, and somehow or other I was determined that this awful disease wouldn't really affect a woman like me.  Someone who had tried her hardest to do what's right all her life.  With the exception of being a complete "handful" to my mother as a teen I had lived my life how I had been taught.  I believed in God, I had great faith, served a mission, and married in the temple.  I was a mother, and I enjoyed my babies.  If I didn't talk about the disease then it didn't really exist.  I didn't look any different.  I was the same person as I was before being diagnosed.  I was the same friend, daughter, mother, and Sara as I had always been.  Except that I was sick.

My physician had told me at my diagnosis that eventually my spleen may need to come out.  The spleen is an organ that cleans your blood and helps produce antibodies to help the immune system.  He also told me that my risk for cancer jumped to 80%.  That if untreated, without medication the HIV virus would prove fatal.  Going through a divorce and having 2 small babies I just didn't put these facts first in my life.  Instead I chose to stuff these things down deep inside.  I stuffed them so deep in fact that I pretended that nothing was really wrong.  Until I couldn't deny things any longer.  In the spring of 2011 I was running a Ragnar race called the Wasatch Back.  It was in Midway Utah that I was in the middle of my final run for my team.  A 7 mile stretch.  Around mile 4 my stomach began cramping so badly that I had to stop several times and walk.  By the 5th mile I was in tears.  My stomach hurt so badly that I was on my knees on the side of the road.  A fellow team member took over my spot and finished my run.  At the time I was more disappointed in myself for allowing my body to beat my mental self as a runner.  In pain and frustrated I got in the van and watched as a teammate finished my 2 miles.  I remember after this particular leg going into a restroom at a gas station and I was horrified that I was passing a lot of blood.  

A few days later I was back at my physician who ran tests.  The news which I received was not good.  HIV related non-hodgkins lymphoma.  This lymphoma is a slow growing B cell lymphoma which is terminal in the body.  It does not go away.  Because there is no cure for the HIV virus there is no beating this cancer.  It is very manageable.  However the radiation and chemo medication would take a severe toll on my immune system dropping my t-cell counts dangerously low.  For almost a year I wondered just how long I would be here on earth.  I thought about my children.  There were months when they did not live with me.  Thanks to my wonderful brother and sister in law my babies were able to have a stable environment to be in.  

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Risk/hiv-infection

In the next few months I became very ill.  This time in my life is still very difficult to talk about for me.  I have contemplated why that's so?  For some reason I feel as though if I don't talk then the problem doesn't really exist, or that somehow I will wake up from an awful nightmare and be well again.  I of course had much news to share with my family.  It was time to start talking.  I had been going to therapy for almost a year at this point, and I had talked at length with my therapist about many issues beginning from marriage.  My therapist knew about my disease long before my family members did.  It was just easier in so many ways for me to talk to a complete stranger than my own mother.  Radiation was so hard on my immune system.  My t-cell counts dropped so incredibly low.  By sheer faith of those around me, and my desperate prayers I made it through this awful time.  

I am leaving out so much of this time of my life, but I don't want to focus on the negative.  I believe that the mind is the strongest muscle we have, and when your mind is in the right place; the absolute right place, everything else will fall in line.  I have become beyond grateful for each day.  For time to be able to go outside and be in nature.  Many things are not so important anymore, and I really do take time to make memories with my children.  I need to know for myself that I have engraved lasting memories of positive times in their little minds.  I want so badly for them to know that their mommy loves them.  They are my two lotus flowers that have blossomed into beautiful flowers despite all the mud and dirt they have pushed through early on in life.  That's how a lotus blooms you know.  It starts way down in the mud and over time it's fervent efforts to make it up to the sunlight at the top of the water keeps its spirit alive.  It has to go through all the ugly to get to the beauty, and once that flower reaches the tops of the water; oh how gorgeous it is.  

I do not know my exact lifespan.  I hope it's a long while to come.  I do know that I want to fill each day with gratitude and love for everything around me.  I hug more; even strangers.  I don't stress so much about the future.  The Lord is in charge of that.  I pull my kids into my bed in the middle of the night instead of putting them back in their room.  I look people in the eye more and genuinely say "Thank You."  I take deep breaths, laugh, love, and remember that everyday I'm here is a blessing.  I hope that my kids will be proud of me.  I hope that I make some footprint here, and that I always remember to Pay it Forward what has been done for me.