Well before I have had time to blink half the summer is over! I can hardly believe that in another month I'll be preparing to send my babies back to school. This is the last year of grade school for my Ellie, and I can hardly believe where the time has gone. Our first year as a family of 3 Ellie was just starting kindergarten. As I look back on those years with all the heartache that I've dealt with, I can also recall some wonderful elementary school moments. In the midst of divorce, court proceedings, custody issues, bankruptcy, disease, and illness my little family has also enjoyed ball games, recitals, school plays, choir concerts, science fairs, birthday tables, spelling bee's, and other very "regular" elementary functions. It's amazing now as I look back and remember all the good that came along with the bad. When I went through each trial over the different years I remember thinking...."this is the year that will defined by HIV." Or..."this will be the year that will be defined as my divorce year." It's always hard while you're going through some awful situation to look around at all the positive that is also happening. It's like the BAD consumed all my thoughts, and somehow I managed to go through the motions of day to day life, but I never could see the blessings that I was blessed with while trudging along. I have always looked to the growth process of the lotus flower. These beautiful flowers that bloom on the waters surface have a very difficult and a rather unpleasant life before they hit the top of the water. This flower starts in the mud. Buried down deep in the ickiest muck the seed of the lotus flower starts. Many lotus flowers don't make it out of the mud. They suffocate and die. It takes years for the flower to persist and grow up through the dirty and dark mud beneath the water. After much of their life in the mud and darkness the flower finally reaches the top of the water, and can finally bloom and bask in the warmth of the sun.
During the different times that I have spent under the water and in the dark and dirty mud I have had a difficult time knowing that if I stay steadfast I will eventually hit that goal of the top of the water and reach the warmth of the sun. I don't know if the lotus flower knows before hand that it will eventually reach the sun? But I have learned a life lesson from the lifecycle of this flower. During the times that my life is in the mud, I need to remember that if I don't give up and surrender my spirit I will reach the surface and feel the sun again. This is a lesson I learned a few years ago, and it has helped me tremendously when looking at what I may be dealing with in the present and also what the future may hold for me. Before I had really experienced hard trials I didn't have any idea how to deal with such difficulties. Although I may still be only in my 30's, I do feel as though I have a couple life notches in my belt. I have dealt with some tough things, and while I went through them it was hard to not let them consume me. It was hard to look at anything positive because all around me was so negative. So I thought. Looking back now, I had positive around me even then. My beautiful girls have always been there. My oldest who started my divorced journey with me when she started kindergarten has always been a straight A student, excelled in sports, choir, school plays, and is becoming more and more the best big sister ever. This is just one example of the positive, or my lotus flower, that has blossomed after coming up through some of life's mud.
Now I have learned that bad days do come. Sometimes they come in the form of bad weeks. Bad things happen. Life will throw the biggest curve balls our way. But without these trials I wouldn't have learned a great lesson. I try my hardest not to concentrate on the dark, cold mud. But when I'm having a rough time or a severe struggle with something I look up toward the sun and know that I will bloom again. I'm so grateful for this life on earth. I am so grateful for EVERY lesson I learn. Everyday here with my family and loved ones is a blessing that I do not take for granted. I try to embrace each morning and give thanks each evening for the day that I've been given. I take deep breaths that fill my lungs all the way. I try my hardest not to put something off until tomorrow that can be done today. My kids keep growing up, and summer 2015 is halfway over. I'd better make sure to spend as much time as I can with these 2 young women blooming with them in the sun!
The Girls 2014
"Enjoy the little things in life for one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things."
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Chapter 15
Sometimes, more than not, I get to urge to want to write things down, but then somehow when I sit down in front of my screen to type I don't know where to start? I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a million ideas and thoughts rambling through my head, but can't seem to find the right way to convey them out on paper.
This last month for me has been a strange one. More emotional than most previous months. I underwent a complete hysterectomy at the end of February, and coming to terms with emotions and feelings has been an ongoing battle for the last 6 weeks. It's kind of strange. I have felt completely out of place. I am, for the most part not an emotional person. Or at least, if I feel that I need time to cry, or break down, I will usually go into my room and have these tender moments late at night; in private, and not in front of anyone. I have always been a rather private person when it comes to expressing emotion, or showing any signs of weakness with emotion. The less vulnerable I feel in public the more confident I feel in private. Maybe that doesn't make much sense to many, but to me crying has always been a sign of weakness, and I have learned to hide it or stuff it away. A hysterectomy however has allowed these emotions to come forward and manifest themselves without my consent. I can be completely fine; feeling in total control of my emotions when the slightest tender moment will set me off like a water hose. I think that I have cried at every ASPCA and Adopt A Child commercial out there. Any kind of tender moment has been an open invitation for my feelings to manifest themselves in the form of tears. Those of you who have had children may understand these feelings. I remember after I had delivered Ellie, and I was at home with a newborn. Neighbors, friends, and family called on the phone to express congratulations, and simply ask if I needed anything. With all my might I would try and give a simple answer, but the hormones would take over and the tears would start to fall. Somehow I would muster the words, "No.....I'm fine." So with the hysterectomy has come the flood of emotions. Mostly the leakage of tears from my eyes or silly things. However, it did occur to me that one night as I was sobbing into my pillow for no real reason at all that perhaps I really did need to cry. Instead of trying to stop the tears from flowing I decided to let them come. More freely and openly that I had before. I must have cried for a good hour. When I was finished I honestly felt cleansed. I began to think. You know, it wasn't my fault that a hysterectomy at age 35 was necessary. I wouldn't have had to have dealt with this issue if it weren't for other health problems passed on without my consent. I had done nothing wrong to my body to have this operation. Maybe I needed to cry at the past that I had bee supressing. Maybe it was ok for me to be angry at those in my life who had made this choice for me. Cervical cancer may or may not have come at the early age of 35, but I certainly know that HIV running through my blood helped speed the process up. Maybe I needed to cry because if I was to ever marry, or be in a relationship again I would have to explain to that innocent man why they would need to take a pill everyday that in a sense is a poison to your body. Overall, maybe I just needed to cry. Cry for things that I had not cried for in such a long time. It was cleansing for my soul. It was refreshing, and although I had the awful headache that comes when one cries so much I really did feel better.
These last few weeks of school have been interesting. I can hardly believe that next year I will have a 6th grader. The fact that Olivia will be in 2nd grade doesn't seem to hit me as hard as Ellie in the 6th grade. We had the official "sex" talk the other night. I recall a lot of blank stares on her part as I tried to explain what happens between a man and a woman when they love each other and desire to have children. After about 15 minutes of talking, she replied, "Mom I have to process this, could you just leave and give me a minute?" Being a little floored, but at the same time wanting to respect her space I reluctantly left the room. About 15 minutes later she came into the kitchen and firmly announced that since most of her friends are boys, and that she loves to play sports with them, she was going to pretend that the facts I had just explained to her really did not exist. I tried so hard not to chuckle but on the inside I was dying. Ellie has to give a verbal report on Dr. Suess tomorrow in class. I am excited to go and listen to her pretending to be the great author. She has worked so hard at learning all the facts about Dr. Suess, and even borrowed my mascara to apply a scratchy looking beard. She has a blazer, white shirt, and a bow tie complete with black rimmed glasses. I love this age. My kids still think that I'm cool, and want to hang around me. I wouldn't change anything about it!!
The crying has gradually gotten a lot less noticeable and I am glad for that. I think that certain family and friends are not as concerned that I'm losing my mind anymore. I do still occasionally experience hot flashes which are AWFUL!!. However i have learned that when the tears start to fall, just let them come. The other day I cried because Mt. Timpanogos was so beautiful!! I have learned even more so not to let a single day go by without expressing your love for those around you, and to hug longer, talk more, listen harder, and love deeper. Thankful to all my friends and family who have been so patient with me through everything!!
This last month for me has been a strange one. More emotional than most previous months. I underwent a complete hysterectomy at the end of February, and coming to terms with emotions and feelings has been an ongoing battle for the last 6 weeks. It's kind of strange. I have felt completely out of place. I am, for the most part not an emotional person. Or at least, if I feel that I need time to cry, or break down, I will usually go into my room and have these tender moments late at night; in private, and not in front of anyone. I have always been a rather private person when it comes to expressing emotion, or showing any signs of weakness with emotion. The less vulnerable I feel in public the more confident I feel in private. Maybe that doesn't make much sense to many, but to me crying has always been a sign of weakness, and I have learned to hide it or stuff it away. A hysterectomy however has allowed these emotions to come forward and manifest themselves without my consent. I can be completely fine; feeling in total control of my emotions when the slightest tender moment will set me off like a water hose. I think that I have cried at every ASPCA and Adopt A Child commercial out there. Any kind of tender moment has been an open invitation for my feelings to manifest themselves in the form of tears. Those of you who have had children may understand these feelings. I remember after I had delivered Ellie, and I was at home with a newborn. Neighbors, friends, and family called on the phone to express congratulations, and simply ask if I needed anything. With all my might I would try and give a simple answer, but the hormones would take over and the tears would start to fall. Somehow I would muster the words, "No.....I'm fine." So with the hysterectomy has come the flood of emotions. Mostly the leakage of tears from my eyes or silly things. However, it did occur to me that one night as I was sobbing into my pillow for no real reason at all that perhaps I really did need to cry. Instead of trying to stop the tears from flowing I decided to let them come. More freely and openly that I had before. I must have cried for a good hour. When I was finished I honestly felt cleansed. I began to think. You know, it wasn't my fault that a hysterectomy at age 35 was necessary. I wouldn't have had to have dealt with this issue if it weren't for other health problems passed on without my consent. I had done nothing wrong to my body to have this operation. Maybe I needed to cry at the past that I had bee supressing. Maybe it was ok for me to be angry at those in my life who had made this choice for me. Cervical cancer may or may not have come at the early age of 35, but I certainly know that HIV running through my blood helped speed the process up. Maybe I needed to cry because if I was to ever marry, or be in a relationship again I would have to explain to that innocent man why they would need to take a pill everyday that in a sense is a poison to your body. Overall, maybe I just needed to cry. Cry for things that I had not cried for in such a long time. It was cleansing for my soul. It was refreshing, and although I had the awful headache that comes when one cries so much I really did feel better.
These last few weeks of school have been interesting. I can hardly believe that next year I will have a 6th grader. The fact that Olivia will be in 2nd grade doesn't seem to hit me as hard as Ellie in the 6th grade. We had the official "sex" talk the other night. I recall a lot of blank stares on her part as I tried to explain what happens between a man and a woman when they love each other and desire to have children. After about 15 minutes of talking, she replied, "Mom I have to process this, could you just leave and give me a minute?" Being a little floored, but at the same time wanting to respect her space I reluctantly left the room. About 15 minutes later she came into the kitchen and firmly announced that since most of her friends are boys, and that she loves to play sports with them, she was going to pretend that the facts I had just explained to her really did not exist. I tried so hard not to chuckle but on the inside I was dying. Ellie has to give a verbal report on Dr. Suess tomorrow in class. I am excited to go and listen to her pretending to be the great author. She has worked so hard at learning all the facts about Dr. Suess, and even borrowed my mascara to apply a scratchy looking beard. She has a blazer, white shirt, and a bow tie complete with black rimmed glasses. I love this age. My kids still think that I'm cool, and want to hang around me. I wouldn't change anything about it!!
The crying has gradually gotten a lot less noticeable and I am glad for that. I think that certain family and friends are not as concerned that I'm losing my mind anymore. I do still occasionally experience hot flashes which are AWFUL!!. However i have learned that when the tears start to fall, just let them come. The other day I cried because Mt. Timpanogos was so beautiful!! I have learned even more so not to let a single day go by without expressing your love for those around you, and to hug longer, talk more, listen harder, and love deeper. Thankful to all my friends and family who have been so patient with me through everything!!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Chapter 14
Tonight as I write this entry I watch as the cursor bounces off the screen and stares at me. As if it's persuading me to express...push on, write on, express feelings from deep inside. I battle back and forth between the demons deep in my mind and the positive persuasive voices inside my soul wanting to shout only the positive when I know that deep, deep down is so much buried. Buried for years and years. Do I really want to dig it up? If I do, it will bring so many emotions, buried feelings, and memories back to the present. Things I have tried so hard to forget. Months and months of therapy that have helped me overcome the past only to drag it up to the surface. PTSD medications have wiped away many of the past demons, flashbacks, and dark times. But I feel strongly persuaded to go to the place where I have tried so hard to escape and never return to. It's a persuation that I cannot ignore.
The first year that I was separated I experienced many flashbacks and dark nightmares from which I would wake soaked to the skin with sweat from the reality of those nightmares. 2009-2010 I would have liked to have started my life anew. Fresh with vibes of a second chance running through my self, however, I was tormented with flashbacks and experiences that were awful......downright hellish. I brought many of my old things with me on the move out from my ex husband. Pictures, trinkets, and other things that decorated my home, particularly my bedroom from my married bedroom came along with me to this new apartment. A newness ran through my skin. Newness to leave the horrible past behind me. I never did expect that my own past would haunt me. Wake me in the night screaming with fear. At first I didn't know where this fear was coming from. Just pieces and parts from the past echoing in my dreary mind. Therapy would later bring out those nightmares and demons from my dark, dreary past. Many times in my apartment, with my babies down the hall did I wake from shaking terror nightmares drenched in sweat; remembering incidents of the past. Incidents that had occurred without my consent. Visions rather; blurry with many faces, bright lights, and familiar objects which sent me into a frenzy. Full panic attack mode. A place that I'm not sure how you get back to reality. How are you supposed to press on with these lingering demons chasing your thoughts and memory? I remember one night waking to feel nothing but numbness. Fervent tingling in my hands all the way up to my heart. I could hear my own heart beating in my head. I could feel it throughout my body. Even now as I express these feelings my heart rapidly beats quicker. Memories that I have wanted to put behind me. I can feel them overtake me. If I let them, they will take me back to the time when I was broken. When I was a victim. When I was weak and fragile. I don't want to be there ever again. It rips at me as I write this. To have my children know these things real is an awful reality. I am HIV positive. I cannot prove that I got this dibilitating disease from my ex because there were others there. I have been the joke of many, and I will never fully be able to erase other dark faces from my memory of different nights alone in the bed of strangers. I can hardly ask if my oldest sweet daughter remembers others in her parents bedroom? I am as vulnerable as I can get as I discuss this back and forth in my own mind. Memories of the past, rushed with the future and its uncertainty literally blind me. I often wonder.....am I broken forever? I have been raped. With only a few details clear I truly feel I can't express the story. I can't fully give it the closer it deserves because I can only remember few details. Medication has erased much of this, and my positive demeanor has pressed on past these gruel details from the past. This time was not me. This time was not my own self. I never gave consent to those faces from the past. Parts of my physical body I never gave to strangers. Laughter in the echos of my mind. I hate going there. Still to this day I feel that I will only express through tears and sadness to my girls what went on behind those closed doors. Different nights that summer. Overtaken and incapacitated chemically. I never gave consent. What trusted spouse does this to their partner? Who overtakes their boundaries and invites others there. There to that sacred place between husband and wife? I can't piece together full memories. Only bits and pieces. Images like clowns with strange men in my bedroom. I don't know their names. I don't know what they are doing there. I often myself if I am crazy? I sometimes feel downright crazy? Outside my head. Outside my own mind. But I know these things to be real. I know them to be my past. Part of me. Part of my story. Therefore I must press on. Press on and tell this story. Hopefully it touches others. Someone. Just one person who has become a victim to sexual assault. Sexual assault in marriage is real. It happens. Disease, sadness, rape, and victomology happens. These are all REAL subjects. I know there are many many women who have been impacted. Diagnosed with this disease. HIV or HIV related cancers. These are real. These are real life impacts. These things are my daily life. I take a pill each day that reminds me of this strong beating reality. Many other women do as well.
My medication costs are enormous. The mental scars are real and everlasting. Time is healing, however, each conversation, each thought from the past stirs up feelings from the past. I often wonder. Was this whole marriage of 10 years a dream? Was is fake. Did it really happen? Unfortunately it did. It left scars. It left impacts. It left deep, and sometimes dark impressions. More than anything, impressions of the opposite sex that I am working so intently at shaking. Believing that their are good men. Pure men. Men that really want to hold me dear. Men that hold women in a sacred place. Men that don't want something behind a good deed. Will I trust these men again? That's a good question. I ask myself this question daily. I really do. I want to grow old with someone. I want to be with someone. I want to experience grandchildren with someone. But if that man is not pure in heart, honest, and patient, I do not believe that I will meet this man. This is a thought that is fine with me. If I can't find the man who is the most patient, and whom endures the trials of Sara, accepts my past, loves my girls fully; fully in fact loves them as much or more than me....this man will not cross my path. If he doesn't.....I'm content. That's completely honest. I'm content in knowing that the only men in my life will be my Savior and my Heavenly Father. In fact it will be these men that will or will not send my way someone to hold my hand as I pass from this life to the next. If this man is not sent from my Heavenly Father I will not accept this precious gift of companionship. I will exit this life into the next single. A single woman with righteous desires. Not fully understanding her past, and the meaning as to "why" behind it, but knowing that there is a treasure brighter and richer than any other waiting for me as I enter into the arms of my Savior. I did not just come to this earth to endure pain. I did not just come to endure hardship. I did not just come here to endure a lifetime of sickness. Marked with a scarlet letter "A" on her chest. I did not come here to endure suffering. No, I came for a reason. A specific reason. A mother to two beautiful girls. Girls that are righteous and strong. I am proud to be their mother, and proud for them to be given to me. Motherhood is the calling most highest and honorable. If I wasn't to have these two precious spirits, I would not have been asked to bear them. Through hardship, torture, and hell the joy of motherhood came to me. It came to me in the time when I needed it most. To this day, ages 10 and 7 I am most proud of my work as a mother. I love these girls. They are worth the demons of the past. They are worth the abuse. They are worth EVERYTHING I have endured and more. I love them. I love them more than myself. I love them more than any man.
This has been the hardest entry for me so far. I have really had to let go of some private feelings. Some VERY private facts. As I close this blog entry I find myself asking some questions. "Do I trust men?" "No says me." Am I working on it? "Yes" Does that past haunt me? "More than anything else." Am I bitter when I take my daily anti-retro-viral? "Somedays" Am I working as an addict to push past the past? "Every single day." Does the thought of using pain killers and alcohol to escape the past take over my mind? "Every Day." It's a constant struggle. But I remember those sweet girls who have been sent to me as the positive. Positive out of a very negative situation. They are the lights each day when I wake. They are my sunrise and my sunset. I live for them. They make me happy and at the same time drive me insain. I know with them I can't go wrong. I only want the very best in their lives. Sometimes, honestly, that means a half broken mother. But, at half broken this mother knows that Christ is her answer. More than anything else. Christ has not left her side. He KNOWS what it is like to be in the mind of Sara. He knows what it is like to suffer what I have suffered. HE knows the desires of my heart. He knows the yearns of my spirit and soul.
Only HE knows that the end of the day I can lay down my burdens at his feet. He has felt my pain. He has felt my tears on his cheeks. He has felt my sobs. HE has felt my past!! He has been there for me in the dark and the light. Most important to me is the dark. He has been there, holding my hand as I have felt the realization of rape and abuse. He has brought me two precious girls from the filth to the light. Oh this entry is hard for me. I hope that many will be able to connect with what I have spoken, and not so much with what I have not said outright. It is so hard for me to say certain things out loud. This entry is difficult. It is hard. However I have felt pressed to share. I was a victim. I was drugged. I was raped. I never gave consent.
But there is hope. There is hope and love through everything. There is love, peace, and salvation through my Savior. I have endured many HARD things!! I have done this with HIS understanding. I know that many out there can as well. Lay your burdens at his feet. Pray to HIM. Plead with him in the worst times and he will save you. He will reach out his hand and deliver you from the suffering you are enduring. I hope you have my love. I hope I have helped.
The first year that I was separated I experienced many flashbacks and dark nightmares from which I would wake soaked to the skin with sweat from the reality of those nightmares. 2009-2010 I would have liked to have started my life anew. Fresh with vibes of a second chance running through my self, however, I was tormented with flashbacks and experiences that were awful......downright hellish. I brought many of my old things with me on the move out from my ex husband. Pictures, trinkets, and other things that decorated my home, particularly my bedroom from my married bedroom came along with me to this new apartment. A newness ran through my skin. Newness to leave the horrible past behind me. I never did expect that my own past would haunt me. Wake me in the night screaming with fear. At first I didn't know where this fear was coming from. Just pieces and parts from the past echoing in my dreary mind. Therapy would later bring out those nightmares and demons from my dark, dreary past. Many times in my apartment, with my babies down the hall did I wake from shaking terror nightmares drenched in sweat; remembering incidents of the past. Incidents that had occurred without my consent. Visions rather; blurry with many faces, bright lights, and familiar objects which sent me into a frenzy. Full panic attack mode. A place that I'm not sure how you get back to reality. How are you supposed to press on with these lingering demons chasing your thoughts and memory? I remember one night waking to feel nothing but numbness. Fervent tingling in my hands all the way up to my heart. I could hear my own heart beating in my head. I could feel it throughout my body. Even now as I express these feelings my heart rapidly beats quicker. Memories that I have wanted to put behind me. I can feel them overtake me. If I let them, they will take me back to the time when I was broken. When I was a victim. When I was weak and fragile. I don't want to be there ever again. It rips at me as I write this. To have my children know these things real is an awful reality. I am HIV positive. I cannot prove that I got this dibilitating disease from my ex because there were others there. I have been the joke of many, and I will never fully be able to erase other dark faces from my memory of different nights alone in the bed of strangers. I can hardly ask if my oldest sweet daughter remembers others in her parents bedroom? I am as vulnerable as I can get as I discuss this back and forth in my own mind. Memories of the past, rushed with the future and its uncertainty literally blind me. I often wonder.....am I broken forever? I have been raped. With only a few details clear I truly feel I can't express the story. I can't fully give it the closer it deserves because I can only remember few details. Medication has erased much of this, and my positive demeanor has pressed on past these gruel details from the past. This time was not me. This time was not my own self. I never gave consent to those faces from the past. Parts of my physical body I never gave to strangers. Laughter in the echos of my mind. I hate going there. Still to this day I feel that I will only express through tears and sadness to my girls what went on behind those closed doors. Different nights that summer. Overtaken and incapacitated chemically. I never gave consent. What trusted spouse does this to their partner? Who overtakes their boundaries and invites others there. There to that sacred place between husband and wife? I can't piece together full memories. Only bits and pieces. Images like clowns with strange men in my bedroom. I don't know their names. I don't know what they are doing there. I often myself if I am crazy? I sometimes feel downright crazy? Outside my head. Outside my own mind. But I know these things to be real. I know them to be my past. Part of me. Part of my story. Therefore I must press on. Press on and tell this story. Hopefully it touches others. Someone. Just one person who has become a victim to sexual assault. Sexual assault in marriage is real. It happens. Disease, sadness, rape, and victomology happens. These are all REAL subjects. I know there are many many women who have been impacted. Diagnosed with this disease. HIV or HIV related cancers. These are real. These are real life impacts. These things are my daily life. I take a pill each day that reminds me of this strong beating reality. Many other women do as well.
My medication costs are enormous. The mental scars are real and everlasting. Time is healing, however, each conversation, each thought from the past stirs up feelings from the past. I often wonder. Was this whole marriage of 10 years a dream? Was is fake. Did it really happen? Unfortunately it did. It left scars. It left impacts. It left deep, and sometimes dark impressions. More than anything, impressions of the opposite sex that I am working so intently at shaking. Believing that their are good men. Pure men. Men that really want to hold me dear. Men that hold women in a sacred place. Men that don't want something behind a good deed. Will I trust these men again? That's a good question. I ask myself this question daily. I really do. I want to grow old with someone. I want to be with someone. I want to experience grandchildren with someone. But if that man is not pure in heart, honest, and patient, I do not believe that I will meet this man. This is a thought that is fine with me. If I can't find the man who is the most patient, and whom endures the trials of Sara, accepts my past, loves my girls fully; fully in fact loves them as much or more than me....this man will not cross my path. If he doesn't.....I'm content. That's completely honest. I'm content in knowing that the only men in my life will be my Savior and my Heavenly Father. In fact it will be these men that will or will not send my way someone to hold my hand as I pass from this life to the next. If this man is not sent from my Heavenly Father I will not accept this precious gift of companionship. I will exit this life into the next single. A single woman with righteous desires. Not fully understanding her past, and the meaning as to "why" behind it, but knowing that there is a treasure brighter and richer than any other waiting for me as I enter into the arms of my Savior. I did not just come to this earth to endure pain. I did not just come to endure hardship. I did not just come here to endure a lifetime of sickness. Marked with a scarlet letter "A" on her chest. I did not come here to endure suffering. No, I came for a reason. A specific reason. A mother to two beautiful girls. Girls that are righteous and strong. I am proud to be their mother, and proud for them to be given to me. Motherhood is the calling most highest and honorable. If I wasn't to have these two precious spirits, I would not have been asked to bear them. Through hardship, torture, and hell the joy of motherhood came to me. It came to me in the time when I needed it most. To this day, ages 10 and 7 I am most proud of my work as a mother. I love these girls. They are worth the demons of the past. They are worth the abuse. They are worth EVERYTHING I have endured and more. I love them. I love them more than myself. I love them more than any man.
This has been the hardest entry for me so far. I have really had to let go of some private feelings. Some VERY private facts. As I close this blog entry I find myself asking some questions. "Do I trust men?" "No says me." Am I working on it? "Yes" Does that past haunt me? "More than anything else." Am I bitter when I take my daily anti-retro-viral? "Somedays" Am I working as an addict to push past the past? "Every single day." Does the thought of using pain killers and alcohol to escape the past take over my mind? "Every Day." It's a constant struggle. But I remember those sweet girls who have been sent to me as the positive. Positive out of a very negative situation. They are the lights each day when I wake. They are my sunrise and my sunset. I live for them. They make me happy and at the same time drive me insain. I know with them I can't go wrong. I only want the very best in their lives. Sometimes, honestly, that means a half broken mother. But, at half broken this mother knows that Christ is her answer. More than anything else. Christ has not left her side. He KNOWS what it is like to be in the mind of Sara. He knows what it is like to suffer what I have suffered. HE knows the desires of my heart. He knows the yearns of my spirit and soul.
Only HE knows that the end of the day I can lay down my burdens at his feet. He has felt my pain. He has felt my tears on his cheeks. He has felt my sobs. HE has felt my past!! He has been there for me in the dark and the light. Most important to me is the dark. He has been there, holding my hand as I have felt the realization of rape and abuse. He has brought me two precious girls from the filth to the light. Oh this entry is hard for me. I hope that many will be able to connect with what I have spoken, and not so much with what I have not said outright. It is so hard for me to say certain things out loud. This entry is difficult. It is hard. However I have felt pressed to share. I was a victim. I was drugged. I was raped. I never gave consent.
But there is hope. There is hope and love through everything. There is love, peace, and salvation through my Savior. I have endured many HARD things!! I have done this with HIS understanding. I know that many out there can as well. Lay your burdens at his feet. Pray to HIM. Plead with him in the worst times and he will save you. He will reach out his hand and deliver you from the suffering you are enduring. I hope you have my love. I hope I have helped.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Chapter 13
Well I realize that I have been slacking with writing things down this past month. It's amazing how fast the holiday season rushes by us. One minute you're wrapping presents for under the tree, and the next you're constantly correcting the year on forms or checks that you write. It always takes me a while to get used to writing the new year (ex. 2014 to 2015) Seems like at least until March white out is a constant useful tool in my home. It's really incredible when you think about it how fast time really does fly. The other day Ellie, my 10 year old, said, "you know Mom in 5 years I'll be driving." I'm not exactly sure why, but that statement hit me like a ton of bricks. In fact, if I double her time here on earth she will be 20 before I know it. It makes a whirlwind of emotions stir inside me. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate it when I am unable to control things. (I think that this is a little of where my anxiety comes from) Bottom line.....kids grow up too fast, and they are out of the house and on their own before we even realize what has happened. We're still wondering what happened to 1st and 2nd grade and their picking out a prom dress!! Yikes!!
So otherwise than another passing too quickly I feel extremely blessed. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes to wear, Jesus in our lives, good friends, basically good health, and nothing but adventure lies ahead for my little family. I have often wondered if and when a time is right to start dating again. You know, funny thing, I pray about it (the dating that is) and I just always ask to know when the time is right for me to seek out another man to be in not only my life, but the lives of my girls. I never really feel an answer to this prayer. I think mostly because I know that deep inside I am not ready to date. Despite the loneliness and the wish to have someone to share my ups and downs I think that I really have many trust issues to work through before that time comes for me in my life. It's funny because my girls have asked for a Dad to have at home. One who lives with them full time. Someone who will come to their games, performances, and school activities. I wish nothing more than to have someone to share with all the ups and downs of life, however, when I know that the main thing I want from a man is his paycheck, and occasional intimacy, I can safely say I still do not trust many men.
We had a wonderful Christmas! We spent a lot of time doing things together as a family. Sledding, building snowmen, and being thankful for all our blessings. My girls and I love to read Christmas books, make cookies for Santa, see temple square, and listen to holiday tunes in our home. After this year, I can safely say that I enjoy my girls for the little people they are becoming. I no longer feel I have to do EVERYTHING for them. They are able to help in all the processes of every day activities! I am totally enjoying ages 10 and 7. We made several gifts and took them to less fortunate. We wrapped 30 presents and took them to Primary Children's Oncology ward, and we even gathered clothing for men at the downtown Mens Shelter in Salt Lake City. We cooked and took in Thanksgiving dinner to a man who has full blown AIDS and saw tears in his eyes as he was so grateful for the food and love on that particular day of thanks!! I hope more than anything I am able to leave my girls with a legacy of service. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." "Pray for those who despise you." "Pray for your enemies." "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I hope they realize that big fancy houses, cars, and money do no make for happiness. Service, smiles put on those of others, and a burning feeling that comes inside when you bless the life of another human being are what matter most.
This past week has been a little bit of a rough one for us. One Tuesday I took my mom (my best friend) to a doctor's appointment for her feet. She has diabetes and has had neuropathy in her legs and feet for years. She spent some time last year in an assisted living facility after surgery on one of her diabetic ulcers. She has healed well, and we have felt blessed. However, this last doctors appointment we learned that she had two ulcers underneath some calises on the bottom of her feet. He doctor told her that she needed to stay completely off her feet for at least 6 weeks. This is extremely hard to do when you live alone. Well we also learned she has infection in those ulcers and it has spread into her blood. So home health care comes every day and gives medication through a pic line in her arm. Her spirits are good, and feel confident that if she follows the doctors orders she will be back to herself in no time. On Wednesday I had a doctors appointment with my OBGYN. I was diagnosed with the virus HPV (different than HIV) a few years ago, and I knew that the strand of HPV I carried was the strand that can lead to cervical cancer. This last Wednesday I learned as I looked at an ultrasound that I did in fact have cancer again. This time in my cervix and uterus. I was shocked and dumbfounded. You see I have been in for exams every 6 months for the last 2 years and nothing. The immediate order was a complete hysterectomy. This procedure should take place within the next couple weeks, and then after the surgery we shall determine the treatment options. Blood work, ultrasounds, and biopsies have been done. This Wednesday I will meet with the surgeon and hopefully have a date for a complete hysterectomy.
I am so blessed! I am so blessed to have 2 daughters whom I love more that my own life itself. They are my jewels and the light of my life. They make me so happy each day, and they are 2 prizes that I will always continue to fight for. I hope that those who are in my past will be forgiving. I know that I have had to become extremely forgiving for wrong doings against me. I believe that humanity is good, and that there is more good on this earth than bad. I know that as long as I keep Christ as the center of my home, and first in my life, all will be well. Til next time......
So otherwise than another passing too quickly I feel extremely blessed. We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes to wear, Jesus in our lives, good friends, basically good health, and nothing but adventure lies ahead for my little family. I have often wondered if and when a time is right to start dating again. You know, funny thing, I pray about it (the dating that is) and I just always ask to know when the time is right for me to seek out another man to be in not only my life, but the lives of my girls. I never really feel an answer to this prayer. I think mostly because I know that deep inside I am not ready to date. Despite the loneliness and the wish to have someone to share my ups and downs I think that I really have many trust issues to work through before that time comes for me in my life. It's funny because my girls have asked for a Dad to have at home. One who lives with them full time. Someone who will come to their games, performances, and school activities. I wish nothing more than to have someone to share with all the ups and downs of life, however, when I know that the main thing I want from a man is his paycheck, and occasional intimacy, I can safely say I still do not trust many men.
We had a wonderful Christmas! We spent a lot of time doing things together as a family. Sledding, building snowmen, and being thankful for all our blessings. My girls and I love to read Christmas books, make cookies for Santa, see temple square, and listen to holiday tunes in our home. After this year, I can safely say that I enjoy my girls for the little people they are becoming. I no longer feel I have to do EVERYTHING for them. They are able to help in all the processes of every day activities! I am totally enjoying ages 10 and 7. We made several gifts and took them to less fortunate. We wrapped 30 presents and took them to Primary Children's Oncology ward, and we even gathered clothing for men at the downtown Mens Shelter in Salt Lake City. We cooked and took in Thanksgiving dinner to a man who has full blown AIDS and saw tears in his eyes as he was so grateful for the food and love on that particular day of thanks!! I hope more than anything I am able to leave my girls with a legacy of service. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." "Pray for those who despise you." "Pray for your enemies." "Love thy neighbor as thyself." I hope they realize that big fancy houses, cars, and money do no make for happiness. Service, smiles put on those of others, and a burning feeling that comes inside when you bless the life of another human being are what matter most.
This past week has been a little bit of a rough one for us. One Tuesday I took my mom (my best friend) to a doctor's appointment for her feet. She has diabetes and has had neuropathy in her legs and feet for years. She spent some time last year in an assisted living facility after surgery on one of her diabetic ulcers. She has healed well, and we have felt blessed. However, this last doctors appointment we learned that she had two ulcers underneath some calises on the bottom of her feet. He doctor told her that she needed to stay completely off her feet for at least 6 weeks. This is extremely hard to do when you live alone. Well we also learned she has infection in those ulcers and it has spread into her blood. So home health care comes every day and gives medication through a pic line in her arm. Her spirits are good, and feel confident that if she follows the doctors orders she will be back to herself in no time. On Wednesday I had a doctors appointment with my OBGYN. I was diagnosed with the virus HPV (different than HIV) a few years ago, and I knew that the strand of HPV I carried was the strand that can lead to cervical cancer. This last Wednesday I learned as I looked at an ultrasound that I did in fact have cancer again. This time in my cervix and uterus. I was shocked and dumbfounded. You see I have been in for exams every 6 months for the last 2 years and nothing. The immediate order was a complete hysterectomy. This procedure should take place within the next couple weeks, and then after the surgery we shall determine the treatment options. Blood work, ultrasounds, and biopsies have been done. This Wednesday I will meet with the surgeon and hopefully have a date for a complete hysterectomy.
I am so blessed! I am so blessed to have 2 daughters whom I love more that my own life itself. They are my jewels and the light of my life. They make me so happy each day, and they are 2 prizes that I will always continue to fight for. I hope that those who are in my past will be forgiving. I know that I have had to become extremely forgiving for wrong doings against me. I believe that humanity is good, and that there is more good on this earth than bad. I know that as long as I keep Christ as the center of my home, and first in my life, all will be well. Til next time......
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