Chapter 6

So I've come to the conclusion that some things from the past are better left there...in the past.  Some personal moments are better left unsaid, or they are to be discussed at the proper time with certain people.  I've thought a lot about how much I want to share, especially via the internet over a blog website.  Since these chapters are for my girls and will one day be read by them, I feel the need to respect their innocence at this time and share only what I feel comfortable with.  At a time in the near future I know that I will have some difficult discussions ahead of me.  It will not be an easy task to explain my medical situation to my children.  I will need a lot of strength when that time comes.

I did not always know that I was a wife of a man living a double life.  When I was a new bride I was no different than any other newlywed.  My head was up in the clouds while building a home with my new husband.  We moved into our home only 3 weeks after we came back from our honeymoon.  I spent the next few months decorating, putting in a yard, and making our house into a home.  Looking back I can now realize that there were certain times when things seemed a bit "off"in the romantic area of our relationship, however, I figured it was something that we would work on together.  We were married in an LDS temple which in our religion meant that we had both saved ourselves sexually for marriage.  After several months of problems and feelings of frustrations I began to doubt myself as a woman.  The man lying next to me had always told me how beautiful he thought I was.  He had paid me tons of compliments while we were dating, and was such a gentleman when we went out on dates.  For the first several months of our marriage I often heard him say how nice he thought I looked, or that he was so lucky to have such a beautiful wife.  He "said" these things, but when it was time to "show"(if you catch my drift) it just wasn't what I'd had in mind.  I made a suggestion one day that maybe he should see a doctor, or that we should go together to seek medical help with our "issues," I quickly realized that I had just unleashed what seemed to be a mad dog.  That suggestion of mine, only hoping to help the two of us, had turned into a suggestion that was turned back at me.  Months of frustrations came flooding out from this gentle man.  It was no longer suggested that the "timing" of relations in the bedroom had anything to do with him, and for the first time I heard many ugly words blaming me for our problems behind closed doors.  Of course as a woman and a new wife I took it extremely personal, and began to sob trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  A person may say to me now, "It wasn't your fault," or "you shouldn't worry about those things now that you know he's gay," but the truth is this was an emotional scar 10 years ago, and it still is an emotional scar I'm dealing with today.  From only a few months into our new marriage our sex life, or the lack thereof had become not only MY problem, but was thrown into my face every time I made an attempt and was shot down.  After so long of being told how disgusting you are, or how I can't "please" a man I quit trying to iniciate anything other than a hug or a kiss.  Did I wonder if he was cheating? NO NOT ONCE!!  Maybe I was stupid, but the thought never crossed my mind.  I made excuses for his behavior, his verbal comments, or belittling remarks.

Around the same time I was first being blammed for things going wrong in the bedroom, remarks about my weight began to start.  I don't know how to really explain these things so that someone won't read this and say, "Really, what a jerk! Why didn't you just leave?" The master art of manipulation is in my opinion a slow process, and it works really really well against women who already have a lower self-esteem or self image of themself.  I have always been a very confident, put together person for the public eye, however many times in my past I was an anxious, self criticizing, and frazzled person when I was alone.  I have learned to be much better at this over the past several years.  Today when someone asks me if I'm having a good day, they will generally get a TRUE answer!  Sometimes too truthful....lol  However I believe that for the most part I have trained myself to handle things better, talk things out, and realize my self worth in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.  When ugly comments were directed my way from my spouse it wasn't like they were all at once or everyday.  Mixed emotions were a constant in my mind, however for the public eye everything was totally fine.  I think any woman would be sensitive with comments about such tender subjects, and as time went on I stopped questioning why I was being told such lies, but instead began believing all of them.  To the public I was being boosted up by my husband, however behind our walls was another story.  Every compliment was sarcastic to my face, and it seemed as though no matter what I said Drew heard it differently.  Words spoken were twisted into things that I had done wrong.

I am still working on my self image even four years later after divorce.  I have gone to therapy and talked at lengths about my body. I still look at myself in the mirror and occasionally hear derogatory remarks in my mind.  It has gotten a lot better, but it's still a struggle and I imagine that it always will be.  Also, I'm still working on my overall physical image to the opposite sex.  I get very nervous when a man pays me a sincere compliment.  I know they are being genuine however the first question in my is usually, "what does he really mean, or what does he really want?"  Dealing with the fact that I have never really experienced true love is sometimes hard, but I don't give up hope.  I may or may not in this life.  After my divorce I was made completely aware that I was used by my ex.  He wanted children and he wanted to portray an "image" for his family and the public.  But there was never clearly any love.  In his words, "I needed someone to use, and you seemed like as good of a sucker as any woman." Yeah.....I know...ick!  I am trying to learn that not all compliments have ulterior motives, that I'm a beautiful person despite one jerks opinion, and that one day I will know what it really means to be loved by a man unconditionally.  I'm working on shedding the ugly comments that come into my head at times.  I hate that I even question my self image, physical appeal to men, or that I'm just someone to "use" because of one man.  I have two beautiful girls to raise.  I'm teaching them to have their own positive self images, express their individuality, creativity, and personalities in this world.  That they can leave it a better place by being in it.  Let me make it clear...lol that I'm in NO hurry to find true love, date, or rush into any relationship.  I've got a lot of healing to still accomplish before I'm ready to be in that situation, and I've got two littles that need me.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have them and to be their momma.

Chapter 5

So there's a quote off of one of my all time favorite shows "Steel Magnolias" where Dolly Parton says to her friend, "Laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions." I have always liked that expression, and if I could cross stitch perhaps it would be on a throw pillow on my couch...lol.  I sure have experienced a lot of laughter through tears since divorce.  I always had good friends that reminded me to keep my chin up when I felt down, look on the brighter side of life, and always, always, always get up in the morning and keep going no matter how hard. You know, I've heard people say that if you do something like 42 times or something it becomes a habit.  I could totally be off on the 42 thing, but anyway if you do something enough it becomes routine.  I have my own analogy on this.

Just a quick example, there have been days where I have consistently eaten healthy foods. Enough meals to make sure that I have developed a habit of putting good things into my body. Then there have also been those times where after 40 plus days of eating like a rabbit, I ravenously attack the candy isle at Wal-Mart and go on a full on junk food binge for days!! But after a few days of gorging myself and taking a pre diabetic sabbatical vacation from the healthy food I feel horrible.  I feel soft, sluggish, tired, and disappointed in myself for my lack of self control with the candy and junk food.  I once again have a talk with myself about the importance to stay healthy, active, and keep up all my energy for my kids.  I am re-committed once again to eating healthier, getting in my exercise, and plenty of sleep.  The will power begins again!  Now, I use this example of a healthy lifestyle not to boast, or brag to others about what I consider to be healthy.  It's just my own personal analogy.  I was taught from a young age to eat what was put on my plate.  I was an active kid who got plenty of exercise.  I watched my mom struggle with her weight, dieting, and diabetes year after year.  From her example I made a conscience decision to try my best to keep those problems at a distance in my adult life because I could see the struggles that they brought.

Practicing laughter through tears is a lesson I learned only a few years ago with the help of my Heavenly Father.  During much of my married life, definitely during divorce, and for sure after being diagnosed HIV positive I practiced ANGER through tears!  I practiced it so much that if became a daily habit.  For sure more than 42 times in a row. I cried a lot, which I believe was completely normal given my own struggles which I was facing, however, I lost perspective of any blessings that can also come out of such trials.  Instead of drawing closer to my Savior, I was filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness.  I was robbing myself of the power of the Atonement and the closeness which I so needed in my life. I ached for someone who could understand what I felt inside, and how scared I was to face the future.  Jesus Christ was there for me.  He hadn't gone anywhere, yet I had left him.  I left everything I had been taught as a child, a youth, and a missionary.  My testimony floundered, and my faith was gone altogether.  My church attendance stopped, I stopped saying my prayers, no studying the scriptures, and gradually I quit living the gospel altogether.  Looking back this period of my life was an extended sabbatical away from my Savior.

(On another entry I'll explain what humbled me enough to get back on the path where I needed to be)

My actions and my thinking have drastically changed from negative to positive today.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father is such a blessing to me in my life. I rely on it daily. When we are actually able to use the Atonement in our lives, we really are impacted by its power.  You want to forgive those who have wronged you, and you just want to do better each day than you did the previous one.  All my cancer friends can vouch for this statement of mine.  After you have experienced such sickness where all you can do is lay on the couch and watch life pass right by you; after you can't even walk to the mailbox without feeling so exhausted, or you've thrown up so much from the poison that you've been given to "help" you that your abs hurt and your eyes are bloodshot.  After all this and more, if you get a good day when you feel well...you don't waste that day.  You get up and hit the ground running; spending every minute with those you love.  You say things that you might have been afraid to say. You take advantage of every minute of life.  You make your peace with those around you, and you simply LET IT GO!!  If you can't change it then accept it.  That serenity prayer at AA meetings....is completely truth.  :)

When I was eating healthy both literally and consuming spiritual food to feed my spirit I was living the way I should.  I felt happy.  I had energy, experienced love, peace, and a calmness.  I was proud of the things I was doing and the way I was living.  When I wandered off into spiritual darkness, or strayed off the right path the peace and happiness left me.  The Holy Ghost could not be with me.  Yet after trying to fill my life with spiritual junk food I had the same realization as I have when I actually spend days eating junk.   I was disappointed in myself, sluggish, sad, and felt horrible.  I knew within myself that it was time to re-commit to what I knew to be right. It was time to repent.  It was time to feel good again with my outlook on life.  We cannot have "Laughter through tears" when life doesn't go the way we expect when we are not living the way we should.  That "laughter" or joy; the inner peace that we can have in our lives is only felt through our Savior and the spirit of our Heavenly Father.  When we choose to experience "Anger through tears" the Comforter leaves us, and the adversary moves us closer to within his grasp.  He finds his own "joy" in seeing us struggle.  Seeing us fail and fall off the path back to our Heavenly Father brings Satan happiness.  The only people I've ever met who have wanted others to fail at anything they try are those people who are so miserable in their own lives that they want to bring others into their misery.  It's a sick, warped, and a toxic way of thinking; and I personally don't want that in what's left of my life.  I choose happiness!!