Chapter 15

Sometimes, more than not, I get to urge to want to write things down, but then somehow when I sit down in front of my screen to type I don't know where to start?  I'm sure I'm not the only one that has a million ideas and thoughts rambling through my head, but can't seem to find the right way to convey them out on paper.
This last month for me has been a strange one.  More emotional than most previous months.  I underwent a complete hysterectomy at the end of February, and coming to terms with emotions and feelings has been an ongoing battle for the last 6 weeks.  It's kind of strange.  I have felt completely out of place.  I am, for the most part not an emotional person.  Or at least, if I feel that I need time to cry, or break down, I will usually go into my room and have these tender moments late at night; in private, and not in front of anyone.  I have always been a rather private person when it comes to expressing emotion, or showing any signs of weakness with emotion.  The less vulnerable I feel in public the more confident I feel in private.  Maybe that doesn't make much sense to many, but to me crying has always been a sign of weakness, and I have learned to hide it or stuff it away.  A hysterectomy however has allowed these emotions to come forward and manifest themselves without my consent.  I can be completely fine; feeling in total control of my emotions when the slightest tender moment will set me off like a water hose.  I think that I have cried at every ASPCA and Adopt A Child commercial out there.  Any kind of tender moment has been an open invitation for my feelings to manifest themselves in the form of tears.  Those of you who have had children may understand these feelings.  I remember after I had delivered Ellie, and I was at home with a newborn.  Neighbors, friends, and family called on the phone to express congratulations, and simply ask if I needed anything.  With all my might I would try and give a simple answer, but the hormones would take over and the tears would start to fall.  Somehow I would muster the words, "No.....I'm fine." So with the hysterectomy has come the flood of emotions.  Mostly the leakage of tears from my eyes or silly things.  However, it did occur to me that one night as I was sobbing into my pillow for no real reason at all that perhaps I really did need to cry.  Instead of trying to stop the tears from flowing I decided to let them come.  More freely and openly that I had before.  I must have cried for a good hour.  When I was finished I honestly felt cleansed.  I began to think.  You know, it wasn't my fault that a hysterectomy at age 35 was necessary.  I wouldn't have had to have dealt with this issue if it weren't for other health problems passed on without my consent.  I had done nothing wrong to my body to have this operation.  Maybe I needed to cry at the past that I had bee supressing.  Maybe it was ok for me to be angry at those in my life who had made this choice for me.  Cervical cancer may or may not have come at the early age of 35, but I certainly know that HIV running through my blood helped speed the process up.  Maybe I needed to cry because if I was to ever marry, or be in a relationship again I would have to explain to that innocent man why they would need to take a pill everyday that in a sense is a poison to your body.  Overall, maybe I just needed to cry.  Cry for things that I had not cried for in such a long time.  It was cleansing for my soul.  It was refreshing, and although I had the awful headache that comes when one cries so much I really did feel better.
These last few weeks of school have been interesting.  I can hardly believe that  next year I will have a 6th grader.  The fact that Olivia will be in 2nd grade doesn't seem to hit me as hard as Ellie in the 6th grade.  We had the official "sex" talk the other night.  I recall a lot of blank stares on her part as I tried to explain what happens between a man and a woman when they love each other and desire to have children.  After about 15 minutes of talking, she replied, "Mom I have to process this, could you just leave and give me a minute?" Being a little floored, but at the same time wanting to respect her space I reluctantly left the room.  About 15 minutes later she came into the kitchen and firmly announced that since most of her friends are boys, and that she loves to play sports with them, she was going to pretend that the facts I had just explained to her really did not exist.  I tried so hard not to chuckle but on the inside I was dying.  Ellie has to give a verbal report on Dr. Suess tomorrow in class.  I am excited to go and listen to her pretending to be the great author.  She has worked so hard at learning all the facts about Dr. Suess, and even borrowed my mascara to apply a scratchy looking beard.  She has a blazer, white shirt, and a bow tie complete with black rimmed glasses.  I love this age.  My kids still think that I'm cool, and want to hang around me.  I wouldn't change anything about it!!
The crying has gradually gotten a lot less noticeable and I am glad for that.  I think that certain family and friends are not as concerned that I'm losing my mind anymore.  I do still occasionally experience hot flashes which are AWFUL!!.  However i have learned that when the tears start to fall, just let them come.  The other day I cried because Mt. Timpanogos was so beautiful!!  I have learned even more so not to let a single day go by without expressing your love for those around you, and to hug longer, talk more, listen harder, and love deeper.  Thankful to all my friends and family who have been so patient with me through everything!!