Chapter 1

I've decided that I would address these posts as chapters.  Only because I need to keep track of what I've posted so that I don't repeat myself.  Also, as our lives unfold it does unfold like chapters in a book.  Each chapter of life brings new events, trials, obstacles, triumphs, heartache, and happiness.  It is my belief, at least with the limited books I've read, that every chapter brings something different.  Different situations, thoughts, challenges, and accomplishments.  As is life.

So Chapter 1....

These writings are for my children.  My two girls need to have record of where they came from, and they need to know their Mom's story.  Their Mom's story of life as it is now and has been lived.  I promise nothing proper when it comes to grammar or spelling.  My thoughts will jump around, and my thought process is nothing but bouncing off the walls.  Holding my attention has never been easy.  From the time I was little I have been a great multi-tasker.  Probably because I never seem to have only one thought in my mind at once.  I picture my brain like a bingo machine.  The big spinner that holds all the balls.  You've all played.  Each one of those brightly colored balls is an idea or thought in my head.  The machine is constantly spinning, and finally it picks one particular ball, or in my case, one thought.  However, that thought (ball) doesn't stay very long.  It's a fast paced game going on up there.  Talking too quickly before thinking things through; I've mastered that!!  I have put my foot in my mouth more than once.  I have learned to slow the bingo game down a bit as I have gotten older.  I really try to think about my words, especially if I'm talking to someone, before I repeat or say them.  I've always been quick to emotions.  I wear them on the surface, however, there has been a long chapter of my life where I kept all emotions silent.  Tucked deep, deep, deep beneath the surface.  Medication helped keep those feelings in check.  Hiding as though under a big rock that nobody could move.  Those emotions laid quiet.  Hibernating for almost 10 years.

If you've ever turned a rock over there are lots of things going on under there.  It's almost like a secret city that you never knew existed.  Different insects crawling around madly, different plants or algae growing, a great darkness hiding everything, and the weight of the large boulder pressing everything living lower and lower into the ground.  Until you roll that rock over you never really know how crazy it is underneath.  Everything looks normal on the surface.  The rock looks sturdy, firm, and confident in its resting place.  But when the rock is lifted from its spot all the craziness and madness is very clear for everyone to see.  Today whenever I see large rocks or boulders I still put this analogy together with my married life.  For me it was a cover.  Just like the sound rock proud in its place is really a cover for what is underneath.  It is hiding something.  That is the job of the rock.  To be the protector of everything weak underneath.

I went to Junior High and High School with my ex-husband.  My first memory of him was in 7th or 8th grade.  He would walk down the hall and say hello to everyone.  Although I was impressed that he knew so many kids' names, I thought to myself he was a little weird.  We all know that kid in school.  Just a little different, but very nice, helpful, and sincere.  The kind that never seems to have a "best" friend, but has lots of "friends."  Everyday after math I would go to my locker before lunch to put my books away before heading to the cafeteria.  Drew's English class was in the same hall as my math class and without fail everyday he would pass my locker and say "Hi Sara."  Now, I'll admit this openly.  I was not the sweetest little thing in junior high school.  In fact I was a little self centered, awkward, dermatologically challenged, and quite the tom-boy.  Bottom line....I thought I was too good for this nerd! Really my friends I know it is hard to believe but I was not the best person back in those days, but that's another story.

Time went by.  We had classes together but nothing really came of anything.  You see I discovered sports in junior high and they became my life.  Whether on tv or after school I was watching, playing, or practicing sports.  Mainly basketball.  I didn't feel so awkward when I played ball.  I felt as though I belonged somewhere, and it helped that I was actually good at it.  I came from an athletic family.  Siblings that knew how to move with a ball made it easy for me to want to follow in their footsteps.  To this day, I will never forget my dad getting into a pretty heated argument over a foul call with a referee during a city game.  I can say that I have not yet gotten to that point at some of Ellie's games, but I make no promises.  Playing sports and school became my "job" until I went to Weber State in 1996.  While I was pretending to be Michael Jordan, Drew was in a whole different crowd at school.  The drama performances and choir groups were his thing.  Back in the early 1990's (at least in my mind) choir and drama people were total geeks.  (I would just like to apologize to my friends who were also in these groups in high school.  Like I said before, I thought I knew everything back then.) I was under this misrepresentation that all drama and choir people were either completely stuck up or full on dorks.  I never have acquired a liking for the arts, but this misrepresentation I am speaking of was "The Word according to Sara."  I have since stopped believing that all boys who want to sing and dance must be gay.  It was a narrow and shallow point of view don't you think. :)