Chapter 3

Phone calls from strangers make me nervous.  At least they do now.  Perhaps it's a flashback feeling to once particular phone call from years back. But still to this day when the phone rings and I don't recognize the number my heart rate speeds up a bit.  In April 2010 I had been divorced for only one month.  I had been separated for 13 months.  Basically I was going through the motions of life.  I honestly can't remember much of this chapter in my life.  One day ran into the next and months passed.  I fell into a dark hole.  A deep dark hole.  I was medicated, however, severally depressed.  I was a mother, however I wasn't enjoying it.  I was quick to frustration, cried constantly, and slept a lot. During this time my custody situation was joint.  The girls went with their dad each weekend.  This proved to be a bad thing because without my children around all I did was think.  Not in a good way either.  My thoughts were not good ones, and at my lowest I acted on the thoughts put into my head by Satan.  I became overcome with thoughts that my girls would be better off without me.  I had failed them.  As if somehow everything was my fault.  I had become brain washed into believing that I was such a horrible person.  I blamed myself for my divorce.  I blamed myself for everything wrong.  But then again, I had been told for almost 10 years that everything was my fault, and that I was an awful person.  Someone repulsive that no one had wanted, and that no one would ever want.  I had some dark moments in our town home, but none as dark as the phone call I received towards the end of April.

It was late at night.  Really late.  Around 12:30 and my phone rang.  I stared at the number on the phone and didn't recognize it.  I remember thinking, "who calls this late?" So much drama had been going on between me and Drew.  He would call relentlessly to fight and bicker.  We were not on any good terms.  He HATED the fact that he was no longer in control of me, and would often park his vehicle outside my house and watch.  Hoping for a man, or anyone sketchy to come by so that he could use it against me in a custody battle.  He became completely crazy.  This time in my life was terrifying. I was experiencing so much mental pain and PTSD flashbacks. (Flashbacks that will be noted at a different time).  I answered the phone hesitantly and the voice on the other end was strange to me.  It was a man.  A man I didn't know.  He said he was a friend of Drew's, and that he had been wanting to call for quite sometime but just hadn't gotten up the nerve.  He asked me if I had felt sick lately.  I said "no."  Then I asked, "what kind of sick."  He asked if I had had the flu or cold like symptoms that had seemed to drag on.  Again hesitantly I said "no...why?" Now I was worried.  This was weird.  This man then got extremely emotional.  He stated that he had been a "friend" of my ex husbands for several years.  They had been intimate since 2006.  He claimed he didn't know that Drew was married.  He had recently found out that he had once had a wife and children. He apologized up and down.  I asked if he was alright.  "Did something happen to Drew?" I asked.  He recommended that I take my children and be tested for HIV because he had recently been diagnosed.  I was completely numb.  I had so many thoughts running through my head at that moment that time seemed to freeze.  Inadequate feelings in the bedroom on my part came rushing through my head.  My honeymoon.  Things that had always been "my fault" became very real. Images found on my computer from only a year ago seemed to make complete sense.  Flashbacks that I thought had been horrible dreams came into my mind, and I quickly began to question if they weren't flashbacks at all, but reality.  I began to shake on the phone with this man.  My breathing became quick and short, and my heart felt as though it would come through my chest.  I could only respond with "ok."  I hung up the phone so fast.  Like if I didn't have to keep talking about that conversation it didn't really happen.  "What was that?" I remember thinking.  I wanted to tell someone, but I just couldn't.  I couldn't talk about anything that was going through my mind.  I felt if I even entertained the idea I would have a nervous breakdown with my two young kids in the next room.  I had to get up the next day, make breakfast, take Ellie to school, and go to work.  I had to keep going with LIFE.  I couldn't even cope with this thought.

Three weeks later I walked out of my family physicians office with my results.  I looked around me.  I watched the cars drive by.  I watched people walking in and out of the office.  The sun was shinning.  I could hear birds.  People were laughing.  It occurred to me that life was still going.  The world was still moving even as I stood still.  I couldn't move.  How should I tell my family? How am I going to tell my children? How am I going to afford this? I don't have insurance. What the hell am I going to do?  Maybe it wasn't real.  I felt fine.  I didn't feel sick.  I had become immersed in going to the gym.  I LOVED to run.  I didn't want to stop that.  I was good at it.  I had my first half marathon in a week.  I have races scheduled.  I just made the Striders running team.  Why are the people still going on with their life?  Don't they know mine is over? What am I going to tell my friends? Can I ever be intimate with someone again? What if I loose friends? I feel fine.  I'm good.  I'll be ok.  It won't affect me.  I have gone this long without medication I'll be fine.  I'm just going to keep going.  I don't look different. I don't feel different.  Am I going to die? I'm HIV positive.  Why is the world still going when mine feels completely over?  Doesn't everyone know my life is over?