Chapter 6

So I've come to the conclusion that some things from the past are better left there...in the past.  Some personal moments are better left unsaid, or they are to be discussed at the proper time with certain people.  I've thought a lot about how much I want to share, especially via the internet over a blog website.  Since these chapters are for my girls and will one day be read by them, I feel the need to respect their innocence at this time and share only what I feel comfortable with.  At a time in the near future I know that I will have some difficult discussions ahead of me.  It will not be an easy task to explain my medical situation to my children.  I will need a lot of strength when that time comes.

I did not always know that I was a wife of a man living a double life.  When I was a new bride I was no different than any other newlywed.  My head was up in the clouds while building a home with my new husband.  We moved into our home only 3 weeks after we came back from our honeymoon.  I spent the next few months decorating, putting in a yard, and making our house into a home.  Looking back I can now realize that there were certain times when things seemed a bit "off"in the romantic area of our relationship, however, I figured it was something that we would work on together.  We were married in an LDS temple which in our religion meant that we had both saved ourselves sexually for marriage.  After several months of problems and feelings of frustrations I began to doubt myself as a woman.  The man lying next to me had always told me how beautiful he thought I was.  He had paid me tons of compliments while we were dating, and was such a gentleman when we went out on dates.  For the first several months of our marriage I often heard him say how nice he thought I looked, or that he was so lucky to have such a beautiful wife.  He "said" these things, but when it was time to "show"(if you catch my drift) it just wasn't what I'd had in mind.  I made a suggestion one day that maybe he should see a doctor, or that we should go together to seek medical help with our "issues," I quickly realized that I had just unleashed what seemed to be a mad dog.  That suggestion of mine, only hoping to help the two of us, had turned into a suggestion that was turned back at me.  Months of frustrations came flooding out from this gentle man.  It was no longer suggested that the "timing" of relations in the bedroom had anything to do with him, and for the first time I heard many ugly words blaming me for our problems behind closed doors.  Of course as a woman and a new wife I took it extremely personal, and began to sob trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  A person may say to me now, "It wasn't your fault," or "you shouldn't worry about those things now that you know he's gay," but the truth is this was an emotional scar 10 years ago, and it still is an emotional scar I'm dealing with today.  From only a few months into our new marriage our sex life, or the lack thereof had become not only MY problem, but was thrown into my face every time I made an attempt and was shot down.  After so long of being told how disgusting you are, or how I can't "please" a man I quit trying to iniciate anything other than a hug or a kiss.  Did I wonder if he was cheating? NO NOT ONCE!!  Maybe I was stupid, but the thought never crossed my mind.  I made excuses for his behavior, his verbal comments, or belittling remarks.

Around the same time I was first being blammed for things going wrong in the bedroom, remarks about my weight began to start.  I don't know how to really explain these things so that someone won't read this and say, "Really, what a jerk! Why didn't you just leave?" The master art of manipulation is in my opinion a slow process, and it works really really well against women who already have a lower self-esteem or self image of themself.  I have always been a very confident, put together person for the public eye, however many times in my past I was an anxious, self criticizing, and frazzled person when I was alone.  I have learned to be much better at this over the past several years.  Today when someone asks me if I'm having a good day, they will generally get a TRUE answer!  Sometimes too truthful....lol  However I believe that for the most part I have trained myself to handle things better, talk things out, and realize my self worth in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.  When ugly comments were directed my way from my spouse it wasn't like they were all at once or everyday.  Mixed emotions were a constant in my mind, however for the public eye everything was totally fine.  I think any woman would be sensitive with comments about such tender subjects, and as time went on I stopped questioning why I was being told such lies, but instead began believing all of them.  To the public I was being boosted up by my husband, however behind our walls was another story.  Every compliment was sarcastic to my face, and it seemed as though no matter what I said Drew heard it differently.  Words spoken were twisted into things that I had done wrong.

I am still working on my self image even four years later after divorce.  I have gone to therapy and talked at lengths about my body. I still look at myself in the mirror and occasionally hear derogatory remarks in my mind.  It has gotten a lot better, but it's still a struggle and I imagine that it always will be.  Also, I'm still working on my overall physical image to the opposite sex.  I get very nervous when a man pays me a sincere compliment.  I know they are being genuine however the first question in my is usually, "what does he really mean, or what does he really want?"  Dealing with the fact that I have never really experienced true love is sometimes hard, but I don't give up hope.  I may or may not in this life.  After my divorce I was made completely aware that I was used by my ex.  He wanted children and he wanted to portray an "image" for his family and the public.  But there was never clearly any love.  In his words, "I needed someone to use, and you seemed like as good of a sucker as any woman." Yeah.....I know...ick!  I am trying to learn that not all compliments have ulterior motives, that I'm a beautiful person despite one jerks opinion, and that one day I will know what it really means to be loved by a man unconditionally.  I'm working on shedding the ugly comments that come into my head at times.  I hate that I even question my self image, physical appeal to men, or that I'm just someone to "use" because of one man.  I have two beautiful girls to raise.  I'm teaching them to have their own positive self images, express their individuality, creativity, and personalities in this world.  That they can leave it a better place by being in it.  Let me make it clear...lol that I'm in NO hurry to find true love, date, or rush into any relationship.  I've got a lot of healing to still accomplish before I'm ready to be in that situation, and I've got two littles that need me.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have them and to be their momma.