Chapter 13

Well I realize that I have been slacking with writing things down this past month.  It's amazing how fast the holiday season rushes by us.  One minute you're wrapping presents for under the tree, and the next you're constantly correcting the year on forms or checks that you write.  It always takes me a while to get used to writing the new year (ex. 2014 to 2015) Seems like at least until March white out is a constant useful tool in my home.  It's really incredible when you think about it how fast time really does fly.  The other day Ellie, my 10 year old, said, "you know Mom in 5 years I'll be driving."  I'm not exactly sure why, but that statement hit me like a ton of bricks.  In fact, if I double her time here on earth she will be 20 before I know it.  It makes a whirlwind of emotions stir inside me.  Anyone who knows me knows that I hate it when I am unable to control things.  (I think that this is a little of where my anxiety comes from)  Bottom line.....kids grow up too fast, and they are out of the house and on their own before we even realize what has happened.  We're still wondering what happened to 1st and 2nd grade and their picking out a prom dress!!  Yikes!!

So otherwise than another passing too quickly I feel extremely blessed.  We have a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes to wear, Jesus in our lives, good friends, basically good health, and nothing but adventure lies ahead for my little family.  I have often wondered if and when a time is right to start dating again.  You know, funny thing, I pray about it (the dating that is) and I just always ask to know when the time is right for me to seek out another man to be in not only my life, but the lives of my girls.   I never really feel an answer to this prayer.  I think mostly because I know that deep inside I am not ready to date.  Despite the loneliness and the wish to have someone to share my ups and downs I think that I really have many trust issues to work through before that time comes for me in my life.  It's funny because my girls have asked for a Dad to have at home.  One who lives with them full time.  Someone who will come to their games, performances, and school activities.  I wish nothing more than to have someone to share with all the ups and downs of life, however, when I know that the main thing I want from a man is his paycheck, and occasional intimacy, I can safely say I still do not trust many men.

We had a wonderful Christmas! We spent a lot of time doing things together as a family.  Sledding, building snowmen, and being thankful for all our blessings.  My girls and I love to read Christmas books, make cookies for Santa, see temple square, and listen to holiday tunes in our home.  After this year, I can safely say that I enjoy my girls for the little people they are becoming.  I no longer feel I have to do EVERYTHING for them. They are able to help in all the processes of every day activities! I am totally enjoying ages 10 and 7.  We made several gifts and took them to less fortunate.  We wrapped 30 presents and took them to Primary Children's Oncology ward, and we even gathered clothing for men at the downtown Mens Shelter in Salt Lake City.  We cooked and took in Thanksgiving dinner to a man who has full blown AIDS and saw tears in his eyes as he was so grateful for the food and love on that particular day of thanks!!  I hope more than anything I am able to leave my girls with a legacy of service.  "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." "Pray for those who despise you." "Pray for your enemies." "Love thy neighbor as thyself."  I hope they realize that big fancy houses, cars, and money do no make for happiness.  Service, smiles put on those of others, and a burning feeling that comes inside when you bless the life of another human being are what matter most.

This past week has been a little bit of a rough one for us.  One Tuesday I took my mom (my best friend) to a doctor's appointment for her feet.  She has diabetes and has had neuropathy in her legs and feet for years.  She spent some time last year in an assisted living facility after surgery on one of her diabetic ulcers.  She has healed well, and we have felt blessed.  However, this last doctors appointment we learned that she had two ulcers underneath some calises on the bottom of her feet.  He doctor told her that she needed to stay completely off her feet for at least 6 weeks.  This is extremely hard to do when you live alone.  Well we also learned she has infection in those ulcers and it has spread into her blood.  So home health care comes every day and gives medication through a pic line in her arm.  Her spirits are good, and feel confident that if she follows the doctors orders she will be back to herself in no time.  On Wednesday I had a doctors appointment with my OBGYN.  I was diagnosed with the virus HPV (different than HIV) a few years ago, and I knew that the strand of HPV I carried was the strand that can lead to cervical cancer.  This last Wednesday I learned as I looked at an ultrasound that I did in fact have cancer again. This time in my cervix and uterus.  I was shocked and dumbfounded.  You see I have been in for exams every 6 months for the last 2 years and nothing.  The immediate order was a complete hysterectomy.  This procedure should take place within the next couple weeks, and then after the surgery we shall determine the treatment options.  Blood work, ultrasounds, and biopsies have been done.  This Wednesday I will meet with the surgeon and hopefully have a date for a complete hysterectomy.

I am so blessed! I am so blessed to have 2 daughters whom I love more that my own life itself.  They are my jewels and the light of my life.  They make me so happy each day, and they are 2 prizes that I will always continue to fight for.  I hope that those who are in my past will be forgiving.  I know that I have had to become extremely forgiving for wrong doings against me.  I believe that humanity is good, and that there is more good on this earth than bad.  I know that as long as I keep Christ as the center of my home, and first in my life, all will be well.  Til next time......