Chapter 5

So there's a quote off of one of my all time favorite shows "Steel Magnolias" where Dolly Parton says to her friend, "Laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions." I have always liked that expression, and if I could cross stitch perhaps it would be on a throw pillow on my couch...lol.  I sure have experienced a lot of laughter through tears since divorce.  I always had good friends that reminded me to keep my chin up when I felt down, look on the brighter side of life, and always, always, always get up in the morning and keep going no matter how hard. You know, I've heard people say that if you do something like 42 times or something it becomes a habit.  I could totally be off on the 42 thing, but anyway if you do something enough it becomes routine.  I have my own analogy on this.

Just a quick example, there have been days where I have consistently eaten healthy foods. Enough meals to make sure that I have developed a habit of putting good things into my body. Then there have also been those times where after 40 plus days of eating like a rabbit, I ravenously attack the candy isle at Wal-Mart and go on a full on junk food binge for days!! But after a few days of gorging myself and taking a pre diabetic sabbatical vacation from the healthy food I feel horrible.  I feel soft, sluggish, tired, and disappointed in myself for my lack of self control with the candy and junk food.  I once again have a talk with myself about the importance to stay healthy, active, and keep up all my energy for my kids.  I am re-committed once again to eating healthier, getting in my exercise, and plenty of sleep.  The will power begins again!  Now, I use this example of a healthy lifestyle not to boast, or brag to others about what I consider to be healthy.  It's just my own personal analogy.  I was taught from a young age to eat what was put on my plate.  I was an active kid who got plenty of exercise.  I watched my mom struggle with her weight, dieting, and diabetes year after year.  From her example I made a conscience decision to try my best to keep those problems at a distance in my adult life because I could see the struggles that they brought.

Practicing laughter through tears is a lesson I learned only a few years ago with the help of my Heavenly Father.  During much of my married life, definitely during divorce, and for sure after being diagnosed HIV positive I practiced ANGER through tears!  I practiced it so much that if became a daily habit.  For sure more than 42 times in a row. I cried a lot, which I believe was completely normal given my own struggles which I was facing, however, I lost perspective of any blessings that can also come out of such trials.  Instead of drawing closer to my Savior, I was filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness.  I was robbing myself of the power of the Atonement and the closeness which I so needed in my life. I ached for someone who could understand what I felt inside, and how scared I was to face the future.  Jesus Christ was there for me.  He hadn't gone anywhere, yet I had left him.  I left everything I had been taught as a child, a youth, and a missionary.  My testimony floundered, and my faith was gone altogether.  My church attendance stopped, I stopped saying my prayers, no studying the scriptures, and gradually I quit living the gospel altogether.  Looking back this period of my life was an extended sabbatical away from my Savior.

(On another entry I'll explain what humbled me enough to get back on the path where I needed to be)

My actions and my thinking have drastically changed from negative to positive today.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father is such a blessing to me in my life. I rely on it daily. When we are actually able to use the Atonement in our lives, we really are impacted by its power.  You want to forgive those who have wronged you, and you just want to do better each day than you did the previous one.  All my cancer friends can vouch for this statement of mine.  After you have experienced such sickness where all you can do is lay on the couch and watch life pass right by you; after you can't even walk to the mailbox without feeling so exhausted, or you've thrown up so much from the poison that you've been given to "help" you that your abs hurt and your eyes are bloodshot.  After all this and more, if you get a good day when you feel well...you don't waste that day.  You get up and hit the ground running; spending every minute with those you love.  You say things that you might have been afraid to say. You take advantage of every minute of life.  You make your peace with those around you, and you simply LET IT GO!!  If you can't change it then accept it.  That serenity prayer at AA meetings....is completely truth.  :)

When I was eating healthy both literally and consuming spiritual food to feed my spirit I was living the way I should.  I felt happy.  I had energy, experienced love, peace, and a calmness.  I was proud of the things I was doing and the way I was living.  When I wandered off into spiritual darkness, or strayed off the right path the peace and happiness left me.  The Holy Ghost could not be with me.  Yet after trying to fill my life with spiritual junk food I had the same realization as I have when I actually spend days eating junk.   I was disappointed in myself, sluggish, sad, and felt horrible.  I knew within myself that it was time to re-commit to what I knew to be right. It was time to repent.  It was time to feel good again with my outlook on life.  We cannot have "Laughter through tears" when life doesn't go the way we expect when we are not living the way we should.  That "laughter" or joy; the inner peace that we can have in our lives is only felt through our Savior and the spirit of our Heavenly Father.  When we choose to experience "Anger through tears" the Comforter leaves us, and the adversary moves us closer to within his grasp.  He finds his own "joy" in seeing us struggle.  Seeing us fail and fall off the path back to our Heavenly Father brings Satan happiness.  The only people I've ever met who have wanted others to fail at anything they try are those people who are so miserable in their own lives that they want to bring others into their misery.  It's a sick, warped, and a toxic way of thinking; and I personally don't want that in what's left of my life.  I choose happiness!!