As I wrote my feelings down I paused several times and thought about certain struggles in my life at this time. I said some prayers to my Heavenly Father, and I poured out my heart and soul on paper and in words.
When I first divorced I was relieved to be alone. The nightmares that I had been having while married were still going on even after I was divorced, but they continued in a different way. They weren't as up close and "in my face." I no longer was in the same house, and I didn't have to tip toe around walking on eggshells with the looming elephant in the room, so I did have moments of calmness and peace, however my mind always seemed to be anywhere but in a calm place. When I say nightmares I don't mean literally; just figuratively speaking. I found it very difficult however to be alone when my kids were with their dad. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Not having them meant that I could relax, however it also meant that my mind was free to wander. Daily routines with children are able to help keep your mind busy, however it can also be a catch 22 because my anxiety levels seemed to shoot through the roof when my girls were home. Feeling like I needed to meditate on what to do next in my crumbling marriage, but having two noisy little ones distracting that concentration proved to be more than I could handle at times. However, when your kids are gone with their father for the weekend, it's like a limb is missing. The only way I can describe it is that you feel like you want your kids gone so you can think and figure out "life", but then when they're gone all you do is think, and think, and think, and think, and think whether good or bad, and too much thinking when your life is upside down can be a very bad thing. Too much pondering on the negative, especially alone, only leads to despair, depression, and dark thoughts.
This tee-tor totter relationship with myself went back and forth for a long time. Coming home to an empty house is almost as lonely at times as living with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you. It took me a long while to be "ok" with myself alone. Feeling as though I was enough too time. It took a small eternity to be alone in my house without any distractions. For a long time the tv had to be on all the time to keep me company. If it wasn't the tv then it was the radio, but as time went on I found that meditation, in a healthy form, can be healing and peaceful. I began to hike or go for walks. Taking time to breath the fresh air in and out. Running or jogging without music became a task that I would try. (Not too often because I need a beat to run too :) I would listen to the constant pattern of my breathing and let my thoughts wander. My biggest help became journaling. Write it down, get it out, and move on. The last couple of years especially I have become quite comfortable with myself as far as being alone goes. In fact I look forward to alone time. When my kids go to bed I enjoy tv, reading, or other tasks that I am able to do. Life can be so crazy and busy, but there is great comfort in knowing that God is in charge of my life. "Be Still, and Know that I Am God."
Don't get me completely wrong. I do still get lonely at times. Lonely for a partner. Someone to bounce ideas off of, laugh with, love, and someone to share my heart with. Many tears have come wishing for someone to hold, share inside jokes with, or just plain "be there" with me. However, I have put that part of my life completely in God's hands. If it's meant to be then it will happen. If it's not meant to happen, then I'm ok with that because I still know that my Heavenly Father loves me and the promises that will be mine one day.
I believe that when you climb a mountain you do so with a purpose. Maybe the purpose is to exercise, see a beautiful view, spend time with friends, or just enjoy the journey. However every time I climb a mountain I leave a piece of myself at the top. Maybe it's a frustration, unkind feelings towards someone, or maybe someone has offended me. When I am ready I look out over the view, take a moment, and leave whatever is bothering me at the time up on that mountain. Then make a promise to come back down with a new attitude, rejuvenation of life, and a positive outlook. For three years I have worn a yellow "Livestrong" cancer bracelet on my right arm as a reminder of my battle. I would look at it often and remember the hardships that once were. A reminder of daily medication, loss of hair, and illness. I recently went to Mexico on a yoga retreat, and spent time by the ocean reflecting on my past as well as the future to come. While there I took my yellow bracelet and threw it into the ocean to be carried out to sea. I felt as though it was time to let that reminder go. No more concentration devoted to illness, hair loss, and awful medication. I will ponder on things from time to time about that season in life, but I felt it was time to remove the constant daily reminder. This sounds so silly; I admit that, but for me it was a giant step forward. "Moving forward is much better than going back. Especially if you've experienced what it took to get you where you are today."
This tee-tor totter relationship with myself went back and forth for a long time. Coming home to an empty house is almost as lonely at times as living with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you. It took me a long while to be "ok" with myself alone. Feeling as though I was enough too time. It took a small eternity to be alone in my house without any distractions. For a long time the tv had to be on all the time to keep me company. If it wasn't the tv then it was the radio, but as time went on I found that meditation, in a healthy form, can be healing and peaceful. I began to hike or go for walks. Taking time to breath the fresh air in and out. Running or jogging without music became a task that I would try. (Not too often because I need a beat to run too :) I would listen to the constant pattern of my breathing and let my thoughts wander. My biggest help became journaling. Write it down, get it out, and move on. The last couple of years especially I have become quite comfortable with myself as far as being alone goes. In fact I look forward to alone time. When my kids go to bed I enjoy tv, reading, or other tasks that I am able to do. Life can be so crazy and busy, but there is great comfort in knowing that God is in charge of my life. "Be Still, and Know that I Am God."
Don't get me completely wrong. I do still get lonely at times. Lonely for a partner. Someone to bounce ideas off of, laugh with, love, and someone to share my heart with. Many tears have come wishing for someone to hold, share inside jokes with, or just plain "be there" with me. However, I have put that part of my life completely in God's hands. If it's meant to be then it will happen. If it's not meant to happen, then I'm ok with that because I still know that my Heavenly Father loves me and the promises that will be mine one day.
I believe that when you climb a mountain you do so with a purpose. Maybe the purpose is to exercise, see a beautiful view, spend time with friends, or just enjoy the journey. However every time I climb a mountain I leave a piece of myself at the top. Maybe it's a frustration, unkind feelings towards someone, or maybe someone has offended me. When I am ready I look out over the view, take a moment, and leave whatever is bothering me at the time up on that mountain. Then make a promise to come back down with a new attitude, rejuvenation of life, and a positive outlook. For three years I have worn a yellow "Livestrong" cancer bracelet on my right arm as a reminder of my battle. I would look at it often and remember the hardships that once were. A reminder of daily medication, loss of hair, and illness. I recently went to Mexico on a yoga retreat, and spent time by the ocean reflecting on my past as well as the future to come. While there I took my yellow bracelet and threw it into the ocean to be carried out to sea. I felt as though it was time to let that reminder go. No more concentration devoted to illness, hair loss, and awful medication. I will ponder on things from time to time about that season in life, but I felt it was time to remove the constant daily reminder. This sounds so silly; I admit that, but for me it was a giant step forward. "Moving forward is much better than going back. Especially if you've experienced what it took to get you where you are today."
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