Chapter 11

Well we can't really be human unless we experience ALL emotions.  Not just the good ones.  Today I am a little saddened, and my heart feels a little heavy.  Mostly these deep feelings are nothing more than selfish tangents.  Feelings that only take into play my own thoughts, self happiness, and overall... "but what about what's best for me?" questions.  Many people know that I came into the world as a "little surprise."  Well ok, surprise, accident, fibroid growth...whatever you want to call it.  My mom was 47 when she realized that she wasn't actually going through menopause, but in fact she was four months pregnant with a baby.  A fourteen year age difference between he youngest son and myself.  As a matter of fact her second son, Bob, was graduating BYU with a wife of his own, and a baby on the way!  My niece, who would come to earth three weeks ahead of me, making the oldest grandchild of Bruce and Lynn Passey older than their youngest child.  Only in Utah right??

So fast forward several years until today.  My sweet mother is a ripe age of 82.  I love her wisdom.  I still call her everyday.  She is my sounding board when I need to vent, and my arms of love when I need to cry.  My dad passed away in 2009 just 7 months after I separated, and 6 months before I was diagnosed HIV positive.  I am absolutely convinced that the Lord took him home when he needed to.  His passing was sudden, but he went quickly and didn't suffer.  Events such as death of a parent are extremely surreal.  To me it's like I was outside my own body.  I could see myself at the hospital, sitting by my father at his bedside, and even holding his hand; however, it doesn't seem as though things are really happening.  It seems as though it's an awful dream.  A nightmare, in fact, where I will wake up any second and realize that my dad has not died.  He is still as strong as ever.  One minute you're talking about cancer treatment, then death, then the funeral, obituary, etc.  It seems like time passes but at the same time it's standing still.  One minute I'm talking to my dad as he's helping me shovel my driveway, then the next I'm holding his hand as the ventilator stops.  I understand that death is natural, necessary, and even at times the best thing, but what about us left behind??  My mom is in basically good health.  Today I saw her extremely tired however, and it struck me.  She had been wrapping all her families Christmas presents.  She was so tired.  As I listened to her explain that her fingers didn't move as they used to, her arms were tired from wrapping and lifting gifts, and her vocal worries about whether or not her family really even cared whether or not she gave them presents I became overcome.  This woman, my "other", seemed exhausted.  For several moments I wondered if her grandchildren, children, and great grand children really knew how much she was concerned for their happiness at Christmas?  She really thinks about each and every person in her family, and she wants nothing more than the best present for each member.  I saw what it does to her physically, mentally, and emotionally, and for several minutes I thought, "is this worth it?"  I realized for the first time today I didn't know exactly how much time I would have my sweet mommy.  Yes, she is in basically good health.  Her heart is strong, her lungs are strong, and her mind is still there.  For these things I count my blessings, but she looked so tired today.  I have seen that kind of tired before.  In fact, I will go as far as to say I have been that tired before, and it's a scary thing.

I am feeling selfish tonight, and if I can be honest a little angry.  I miss having a partner.  My mom is a wonderful person.  She really is.  She is my best friend, and without a doubt the person I go to whenever I have news to share.  Good news, bad, exciting, or sad.  She is the first phone call I make to talk about my day.  Being 14 years apart from my next sibling I do not have close relationships with my  brothers or my sister.  I cannot call them and vent to them about my day.  Mainly because they have their own kids (who are my own generation) and they are the sounding boards for their own children. we just seem to have nothing in common.  Our interests are different.  There is a generation gap between my siblings and I, and although I love them dearly there will always be this bridge between us that is just difficult to cross.  My siblings, many of them, have a spouse that is their sounding board.  That person is their "other."  You know, the one you go to when you've had a bad day, or maybe it's a good day.  Someone to share inside jokes with.  Someone to rant and rave at.  Someone that will just listen when you need to cry.  For me, at least the last several years has been my mother.  I worry about when she is gone.  I hope that loneliness will not overcome me.  For I do not have someone to talk to at night.  I don't have that partner to help me with dinner, homework, baths, or all other duties that a family has.  To be quite frank....I do not want a man around right now.  I can think of a couple reasons why I would like to be married, but none of those reasons are healthy so for now I guess I continue on single.  I miss the help with the family, but I have been so scorned that I don't feel that my trust radar is anywhere near on target yet.  That will take some serious time.  Time that I can't put a limit on.

I often worry about how much I take for granted.  Time is number one on my list of things most precious.  Don't ever take time for granted.  Don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today.  I would like to add to that saying.  Don't put off until tomorrow what can be done or said today.  Tell those around you how much you love them.  Make sure they know it.  Make sure that you hug longer and more often.  Don't be ashamed or worried that you might look like a fool by expressing your feelings out loud or to someone you love.  Time is not something to take for granted.  In a moment things can be different.  People you love can be gone and it will be too late to say what you need to say.  Forgive!!!! For goodness sake....are you perfect????  If we were perfect, at least in my opinion, we would not be on this earth anymore.  We would be taken back up to heaven to live with our Savior.  So, when someone wrongs you, hurts you, makes you sad, angry, or upset....no matter how hard it is.... try to work on a way to forgive them and move on.  If you have not walked in someone else's shoes are you truly able to pass judgement on them??  Be a peacemaker, and say "I'm sorry" much more often than you already do.  Don't worry about things that are out of your control.  Control the things that you can change.  Yes, I will be the first to admit that I am a bit selfish in saying that I wish I had a mother who was 52 instead of 82.  I wish my dad were still alive.  I wish my siblings were closer in my age; that we could raise our children together instead of a generation apart.  I wish my nieces and nephews lived closer.  I wish, I wish, I wish.......but my mother knows how much I love her.  I've told her.  I tell her often.  My dad knew before he died that I was grateful to him for life.  I was thankful he showed me how to pay it forward and press on even in hard times.  I am thankful for forgiveness.  Both given to me and forgiveness I have given.  I tell my friend often that I love them.  That I am thankful for them in my life.  I hope that I never put off something I can say today.  I love you mom!