Chapter 6

So I've come to the conclusion that some things from the past are better left there...in the past.  Some personal moments are better left unsaid, or they are to be discussed at the proper time with certain people.  I've thought a lot about how much I want to share, especially via the internet over a blog website.  Since these chapters are for my girls and will one day be read by them, I feel the need to respect their innocence at this time and share only what I feel comfortable with.  At a time in the near future I know that I will have some difficult discussions ahead of me.  It will not be an easy task to explain my medical situation to my children.  I will need a lot of strength when that time comes.

I did not always know that I was a wife of a man living a double life.  When I was a new bride I was no different than any other newlywed.  My head was up in the clouds while building a home with my new husband.  We moved into our home only 3 weeks after we came back from our honeymoon.  I spent the next few months decorating, putting in a yard, and making our house into a home.  Looking back I can now realize that there were certain times when things seemed a bit "off"in the romantic area of our relationship, however, I figured it was something that we would work on together.  We were married in an LDS temple which in our religion meant that we had both saved ourselves sexually for marriage.  After several months of problems and feelings of frustrations I began to doubt myself as a woman.  The man lying next to me had always told me how beautiful he thought I was.  He had paid me tons of compliments while we were dating, and was such a gentleman when we went out on dates.  For the first several months of our marriage I often heard him say how nice he thought I looked, or that he was so lucky to have such a beautiful wife.  He "said" these things, but when it was time to "show"(if you catch my drift) it just wasn't what I'd had in mind.  I made a suggestion one day that maybe he should see a doctor, or that we should go together to seek medical help with our "issues," I quickly realized that I had just unleashed what seemed to be a mad dog.  That suggestion of mine, only hoping to help the two of us, had turned into a suggestion that was turned back at me.  Months of frustrations came flooding out from this gentle man.  It was no longer suggested that the "timing" of relations in the bedroom had anything to do with him, and for the first time I heard many ugly words blaming me for our problems behind closed doors.  Of course as a woman and a new wife I took it extremely personal, and began to sob trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  A person may say to me now, "It wasn't your fault," or "you shouldn't worry about those things now that you know he's gay," but the truth is this was an emotional scar 10 years ago, and it still is an emotional scar I'm dealing with today.  From only a few months into our new marriage our sex life, or the lack thereof had become not only MY problem, but was thrown into my face every time I made an attempt and was shot down.  After so long of being told how disgusting you are, or how I can't "please" a man I quit trying to iniciate anything other than a hug or a kiss.  Did I wonder if he was cheating? NO NOT ONCE!!  Maybe I was stupid, but the thought never crossed my mind.  I made excuses for his behavior, his verbal comments, or belittling remarks.

Around the same time I was first being blammed for things going wrong in the bedroom, remarks about my weight began to start.  I don't know how to really explain these things so that someone won't read this and say, "Really, what a jerk! Why didn't you just leave?" The master art of manipulation is in my opinion a slow process, and it works really really well against women who already have a lower self-esteem or self image of themself.  I have always been a very confident, put together person for the public eye, however many times in my past I was an anxious, self criticizing, and frazzled person when I was alone.  I have learned to be much better at this over the past several years.  Today when someone asks me if I'm having a good day, they will generally get a TRUE answer!  Sometimes too truthful....lol  However I believe that for the most part I have trained myself to handle things better, talk things out, and realize my self worth in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.  When ugly comments were directed my way from my spouse it wasn't like they were all at once or everyday.  Mixed emotions were a constant in my mind, however for the public eye everything was totally fine.  I think any woman would be sensitive with comments about such tender subjects, and as time went on I stopped questioning why I was being told such lies, but instead began believing all of them.  To the public I was being boosted up by my husband, however behind our walls was another story.  Every compliment was sarcastic to my face, and it seemed as though no matter what I said Drew heard it differently.  Words spoken were twisted into things that I had done wrong.

I am still working on my self image even four years later after divorce.  I have gone to therapy and talked at lengths about my body. I still look at myself in the mirror and occasionally hear derogatory remarks in my mind.  It has gotten a lot better, but it's still a struggle and I imagine that it always will be.  Also, I'm still working on my overall physical image to the opposite sex.  I get very nervous when a man pays me a sincere compliment.  I know they are being genuine however the first question in my is usually, "what does he really mean, or what does he really want?"  Dealing with the fact that I have never really experienced true love is sometimes hard, but I don't give up hope.  I may or may not in this life.  After my divorce I was made completely aware that I was used by my ex.  He wanted children and he wanted to portray an "image" for his family and the public.  But there was never clearly any love.  In his words, "I needed someone to use, and you seemed like as good of a sucker as any woman." Yeah.....I know...ick!  I am trying to learn that not all compliments have ulterior motives, that I'm a beautiful person despite one jerks opinion, and that one day I will know what it really means to be loved by a man unconditionally.  I'm working on shedding the ugly comments that come into my head at times.  I hate that I even question my self image, physical appeal to men, or that I'm just someone to "use" because of one man.  I have two beautiful girls to raise.  I'm teaching them to have their own positive self images, express their individuality, creativity, and personalities in this world.  That they can leave it a better place by being in it.  Let me make it clear...lol that I'm in NO hurry to find true love, date, or rush into any relationship.  I've got a lot of healing to still accomplish before I'm ready to be in that situation, and I've got two littles that need me.  I consider myself pretty lucky to have them and to be their momma.

Chapter 5

So there's a quote off of one of my all time favorite shows "Steel Magnolias" where Dolly Parton says to her friend, "Laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions." I have always liked that expression, and if I could cross stitch perhaps it would be on a throw pillow on my couch...lol.  I sure have experienced a lot of laughter through tears since divorce.  I always had good friends that reminded me to keep my chin up when I felt down, look on the brighter side of life, and always, always, always get up in the morning and keep going no matter how hard. You know, I've heard people say that if you do something like 42 times or something it becomes a habit.  I could totally be off on the 42 thing, but anyway if you do something enough it becomes routine.  I have my own analogy on this.

Just a quick example, there have been days where I have consistently eaten healthy foods. Enough meals to make sure that I have developed a habit of putting good things into my body. Then there have also been those times where after 40 plus days of eating like a rabbit, I ravenously attack the candy isle at Wal-Mart and go on a full on junk food binge for days!! But after a few days of gorging myself and taking a pre diabetic sabbatical vacation from the healthy food I feel horrible.  I feel soft, sluggish, tired, and disappointed in myself for my lack of self control with the candy and junk food.  I once again have a talk with myself about the importance to stay healthy, active, and keep up all my energy for my kids.  I am re-committed once again to eating healthier, getting in my exercise, and plenty of sleep.  The will power begins again!  Now, I use this example of a healthy lifestyle not to boast, or brag to others about what I consider to be healthy.  It's just my own personal analogy.  I was taught from a young age to eat what was put on my plate.  I was an active kid who got plenty of exercise.  I watched my mom struggle with her weight, dieting, and diabetes year after year.  From her example I made a conscience decision to try my best to keep those problems at a distance in my adult life because I could see the struggles that they brought.

Practicing laughter through tears is a lesson I learned only a few years ago with the help of my Heavenly Father.  During much of my married life, definitely during divorce, and for sure after being diagnosed HIV positive I practiced ANGER through tears!  I practiced it so much that if became a daily habit.  For sure more than 42 times in a row. I cried a lot, which I believe was completely normal given my own struggles which I was facing, however, I lost perspective of any blessings that can also come out of such trials.  Instead of drawing closer to my Savior, I was filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness.  I was robbing myself of the power of the Atonement and the closeness which I so needed in my life. I ached for someone who could understand what I felt inside, and how scared I was to face the future.  Jesus Christ was there for me.  He hadn't gone anywhere, yet I had left him.  I left everything I had been taught as a child, a youth, and a missionary.  My testimony floundered, and my faith was gone altogether.  My church attendance stopped, I stopped saying my prayers, no studying the scriptures, and gradually I quit living the gospel altogether.  Looking back this period of my life was an extended sabbatical away from my Savior.

(On another entry I'll explain what humbled me enough to get back on the path where I needed to be)

My actions and my thinking have drastically changed from negative to positive today.  My relationship with my Heavenly Father is such a blessing to me in my life. I rely on it daily. When we are actually able to use the Atonement in our lives, we really are impacted by its power.  You want to forgive those who have wronged you, and you just want to do better each day than you did the previous one.  All my cancer friends can vouch for this statement of mine.  After you have experienced such sickness where all you can do is lay on the couch and watch life pass right by you; after you can't even walk to the mailbox without feeling so exhausted, or you've thrown up so much from the poison that you've been given to "help" you that your abs hurt and your eyes are bloodshot.  After all this and more, if you get a good day when you feel well...you don't waste that day.  You get up and hit the ground running; spending every minute with those you love.  You say things that you might have been afraid to say. You take advantage of every minute of life.  You make your peace with those around you, and you simply LET IT GO!!  If you can't change it then accept it.  That serenity prayer at AA meetings....is completely truth.  :)

When I was eating healthy both literally and consuming spiritual food to feed my spirit I was living the way I should.  I felt happy.  I had energy, experienced love, peace, and a calmness.  I was proud of the things I was doing and the way I was living.  When I wandered off into spiritual darkness, or strayed off the right path the peace and happiness left me.  The Holy Ghost could not be with me.  Yet after trying to fill my life with spiritual junk food I had the same realization as I have when I actually spend days eating junk.   I was disappointed in myself, sluggish, sad, and felt horrible.  I knew within myself that it was time to re-commit to what I knew to be right. It was time to repent.  It was time to feel good again with my outlook on life.  We cannot have "Laughter through tears" when life doesn't go the way we expect when we are not living the way we should.  That "laughter" or joy; the inner peace that we can have in our lives is only felt through our Savior and the spirit of our Heavenly Father.  When we choose to experience "Anger through tears" the Comforter leaves us, and the adversary moves us closer to within his grasp.  He finds his own "joy" in seeing us struggle.  Seeing us fail and fall off the path back to our Heavenly Father brings Satan happiness.  The only people I've ever met who have wanted others to fail at anything they try are those people who are so miserable in their own lives that they want to bring others into their misery.  It's a sick, warped, and a toxic way of thinking; and I personally don't want that in what's left of my life.  I choose happiness!!

Chapter 4

I think all of us have spent some time when we were younger thinking about our future life.  In my first years of college I would spend lots of time, particularly at night, dreaming about my future life.  I made several different lists of what kind of qualities I wanted in my future husband.  I remember specifically praying to my Heavenly Father and letting him know that whomever I was to be married to, I would have to meet them somewhere other than a single adult ward in my church.  I couldn't stand single adult activities.  I always got approached by the "old" men who already had a few kids running around, and they were looking for a new wife to keep on pro-creating...lol.  It only took two BAD experiences at Weber State Institute dances for me to come home, get on my knees, and begin to offer up a prayer to my Father in Heaven and announcing that if he intended me to marry, I would have to meet someone while still attending my home ward.

I pictured myself with children.  Four boys to be exact!  I wanted to be the mom that ran the kids to their various activities.  I thought about what kind of house I wanted, what sort of street I hoped to live on, and pictured myself pushing a baby stroller while following a toddler riding a bike on training wheels around my neighborhood.  Even though I have always hated cooking, I envisioned cooking for my husband and family.  I hoped that I would make friends with my neighbors, and that we would share the same moral values.  I wanted to have my kids enjoy play dates with their friends.  I prayed that  I would be a patient, loving, understanding, and kind mother.  I always wanted a basketball hoop out in my front yard, a trampoline in the back yard, and a piano in my living room.  Thinking back on all my daydreams they all had one thing in common....NOTHING was ever going to go wrong.  When I thought about my future I knew that life would throw curve balls at me now and then, but I had no idea that what I was playing out in my mind would be so completely different than what I would actually get to experience.

In the Spring of 2009 I was the queen of bitterness and hatred.  I joked with some friends that if there was a women's rights group around, not only would I be their biggest supporter, but I would plot to overtake their leader and take charge! I was so busy being so angry at the world that I didn't see one bit of beauty in it.  My children became a huge burden instead of a blessing.  God no longer became someone whom I wanted to rely on, but rather a target of my intense anger and frustration.  I wanted answers, and I wasn't wanting to hear anything sugar coated.  "The Lord only gives you challenges that you are strong enough to handle," was not on my top 10 comforting thoughts.  I am so ashamed to admit it today, but my biggest person that was to blame for the bad things happening to me, in my book, was my Heavenly Father.  After him came MEN! Men in general.  My dad and my brothers were excluded from this hate group, and I didn't hate all men.  Only the ones on earth.  At this point my ex had not come out of the closet, and I still had no idea of what illness was growing inside me because of him.  I just knew that I was divorced, he had asked me and his children to leave "his house" and I knew he was living a lie.  Going to work everyday in the LDS Church Printing Division and continuing to manipulate EVERYONE in his life.  I began questioning every man I knew.  "What were they really like?" "What were they really doing when they told their wives they would be home late?"  I looked at my neighbors, men at the store, the movies, restaurants, men I knew from work, and men I'd known for years and began to feel a disgust for them.  I had been hurt so badly by the man who was supposed to love and care for me that I questioned ALL men.  My ex was SO good at lying and living a lie.  He fooled everyone.  My family, his work, his family, his friends, our neighbors, and ward members that I felt if he could do that, all men must be lying about something.

I tried to talk to a friend after I had moved out of my house and tell her that our marriage was not what it had appeared to be to the public eye.  As I began to vent about my ex and what he was really like and I was stopped by my friend.  She told me that Drew was such a good person that she just couldn't believe that what I was telling her was true.  So I quit talking and fell deeper into anger and depression. I began to put up walls.  Big cement walls.  I didn't want anyone inside these walls.  I built the walls up high and I stayed behind them.  I didn't talk about anything that had gone on in our home previously. It was over a year later when I finally started talking about things again.  During that year of complete depression I felt so empty.  I began to try and fill those empty sad feelings with substance abuse.  I quit talking, dealing with my feelings, and caring about myself or my family, and I began finding chemical ways to feel better.  Out of control.  I could no longer control my daydreams of what my future would be like.  The daydreams were no longer happy.  They were filled with Work Force Services, Food Assistance, Medicaid, standing in line for benefits, government cash assistance, SSI applications, long hold times on the phone, and the demands of 2 young children.  I was so overwhelmed it seemed like a nightmare. The unknown was terrifying to me, and I had absolutely no control over anything.  In just a couple months I would find out that things would go a lot worse before they got better.

Chapter 3

Phone calls from strangers make me nervous.  At least they do now.  Perhaps it's a flashback feeling to once particular phone call from years back. But still to this day when the phone rings and I don't recognize the number my heart rate speeds up a bit.  In April 2010 I had been divorced for only one month.  I had been separated for 13 months.  Basically I was going through the motions of life.  I honestly can't remember much of this chapter in my life.  One day ran into the next and months passed.  I fell into a dark hole.  A deep dark hole.  I was medicated, however, severally depressed.  I was a mother, however I wasn't enjoying it.  I was quick to frustration, cried constantly, and slept a lot. During this time my custody situation was joint.  The girls went with their dad each weekend.  This proved to be a bad thing because without my children around all I did was think.  Not in a good way either.  My thoughts were not good ones, and at my lowest I acted on the thoughts put into my head by Satan.  I became overcome with thoughts that my girls would be better off without me.  I had failed them.  As if somehow everything was my fault.  I had become brain washed into believing that I was such a horrible person.  I blamed myself for my divorce.  I blamed myself for everything wrong.  But then again, I had been told for almost 10 years that everything was my fault, and that I was an awful person.  Someone repulsive that no one had wanted, and that no one would ever want.  I had some dark moments in our town home, but none as dark as the phone call I received towards the end of April.

It was late at night.  Really late.  Around 12:30 and my phone rang.  I stared at the number on the phone and didn't recognize it.  I remember thinking, "who calls this late?" So much drama had been going on between me and Drew.  He would call relentlessly to fight and bicker.  We were not on any good terms.  He HATED the fact that he was no longer in control of me, and would often park his vehicle outside my house and watch.  Hoping for a man, or anyone sketchy to come by so that he could use it against me in a custody battle.  He became completely crazy.  This time in my life was terrifying. I was experiencing so much mental pain and PTSD flashbacks. (Flashbacks that will be noted at a different time).  I answered the phone hesitantly and the voice on the other end was strange to me.  It was a man.  A man I didn't know.  He said he was a friend of Drew's, and that he had been wanting to call for quite sometime but just hadn't gotten up the nerve.  He asked me if I had felt sick lately.  I said "no."  Then I asked, "what kind of sick."  He asked if I had had the flu or cold like symptoms that had seemed to drag on.  Again hesitantly I said "no...why?" Now I was worried.  This was weird.  This man then got extremely emotional.  He stated that he had been a "friend" of my ex husbands for several years.  They had been intimate since 2006.  He claimed he didn't know that Drew was married.  He had recently found out that he had once had a wife and children. He apologized up and down.  I asked if he was alright.  "Did something happen to Drew?" I asked.  He recommended that I take my children and be tested for HIV because he had recently been diagnosed.  I was completely numb.  I had so many thoughts running through my head at that moment that time seemed to freeze.  Inadequate feelings in the bedroom on my part came rushing through my head.  My honeymoon.  Things that had always been "my fault" became very real. Images found on my computer from only a year ago seemed to make complete sense.  Flashbacks that I thought had been horrible dreams came into my mind, and I quickly began to question if they weren't flashbacks at all, but reality.  I began to shake on the phone with this man.  My breathing became quick and short, and my heart felt as though it would come through my chest.  I could only respond with "ok."  I hung up the phone so fast.  Like if I didn't have to keep talking about that conversation it didn't really happen.  "What was that?" I remember thinking.  I wanted to tell someone, but I just couldn't.  I couldn't talk about anything that was going through my mind.  I felt if I even entertained the idea I would have a nervous breakdown with my two young kids in the next room.  I had to get up the next day, make breakfast, take Ellie to school, and go to work.  I had to keep going with LIFE.  I couldn't even cope with this thought.

Three weeks later I walked out of my family physicians office with my results.  I looked around me.  I watched the cars drive by.  I watched people walking in and out of the office.  The sun was shinning.  I could hear birds.  People were laughing.  It occurred to me that life was still going.  The world was still moving even as I stood still.  I couldn't move.  How should I tell my family? How am I going to tell my children? How am I going to afford this? I don't have insurance. What the hell am I going to do?  Maybe it wasn't real.  I felt fine.  I didn't feel sick.  I had become immersed in going to the gym.  I LOVED to run.  I didn't want to stop that.  I was good at it.  I had my first half marathon in a week.  I have races scheduled.  I just made the Striders running team.  Why are the people still going on with their life?  Don't they know mine is over? What am I going to tell my friends? Can I ever be intimate with someone again? What if I loose friends? I feel fine.  I'm good.  I'll be ok.  It won't affect me.  I have gone this long without medication I'll be fine.  I'm just going to keep going.  I don't look different. I don't feel different.  Am I going to die? I'm HIV positive.  Why is the world still going when mine feels completely over?  Doesn't everyone know my life is over?

Chapter 2/May 27, 2014

I never really had any serious boyfriends.  Being raised as the youngest of six children I came as quite a surprise to my parents in 1979.  There are 14 years between the next oldest and myself.  By the time I came along I have very few memories of my brother Jeff living at home.  I was basically raised an only child, and because I spent a lot of time around adults it was adults that I learned to relate to the best.  I had also skipped a grade in school, so I may have appeared as being a lot older than I really was.  I didn't learn to drive until the end of my Junior year.  I began college as a young seventeen year old, and looking back I really wasn't ready.  I was raised as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I have wonderful memories of my time as a young woman.  Spending time at youth conferences, girls camp, activities, and wonderful leaders are memories I will always hold dear.  My good friends were always those that I knew from church.  As far as school goes, I really only had one best friend from 3rd grade all through high school.  In fact this bestie ended up marrying my date whom I had asked to a girls choice dance.  (Whole other story!) I felt uncomfortable with teenagers at the time I was one, however, I really do enjoy teenagers now that I am grown.  

I'm not exactly sure why I felt uncomfortable around my peers.  I never wanted to go to parties, "hang out" in groups, go to games, or dances.  I never was asked to a school dance.  No prom or homecoming for this girl.  This never really was a problem for me while I was in school because my parents wouldn't have allowed me to date anyway until I was sixteen.  I did go to two girls choice dances during my senior year, but the boys I went with were "just friends."  I always did relate to the boys in school better than the girls.  I hate drama.  Still to this day I can't stand gossip or people who back stab.  If you are fake or just a bitch, then that's fine for you; go ahead and live that way.  I'm in no position to tell you otherwise, however, kindly stay out of my life.  Since girls tend to have the more "dramatic" personality, I tended to get along better with they boys.  Don't misunderstand that comment however, the boys always made it clear to me they were just my friends. No puppy love or romantic feelings ever came my way. I was the girl that knew sports, played sports, knew a thing or too about cars, and didn't mind getting dirty.  Around the girls I was not comfortable in my own skin.  I felt they were always judging me, looking at me, talking about my horrible acne, or "scuzzing" me off.  I had been made fun of for my acne, being flat chested, being a tom-boy, and even called conceited.  These things were my own insecurities at the time.  I think every kid has them at some point in their life.  I became a little bitter thing in high school, and couldn't wait to be done.

I did get a steady boyfriend when I was nineteen.  He was the ONLY other boy I ever dated, kissed, and felt butterflies about. So yes...my first kiss was when I was nineteen.  I really liked him a lot.  I had grown up with him, and we spent a lot of time together before his mission.  We had been friends since kindergarten, and looking back I think that our relationship at the time was one where two people may be such good friends that they try to become more, but in the end things end up just being weird.  Anyway needless to say, I waited for him to serve his mission and two years later he came home and broke my heart.  He has since been through two divorces and has experienced his own earthly trials.  He admitted to my a few years back how sorry he had been that we didn't stay together.  We have reconciled and are friends to this day, but have decided it is best to stay that way.

Drew came back into my life in the spring of 2001.  I had served a mission in Los Angeles California Spanish speaking.  I came back and took a job at Barnes Banking Co. in Kaysville as a teller.  I was a teller a couple months when I became promoted to work in the loan processing department.  One day I received a phone call from a woman with the last name of Call.  I don't know what possessed me to ask if she had a son named Drew, but I asked, and the next thing I knew Drew was standing in the lobby of the bank and asked me out.  I almost didn't believe it was him when I saw him.  He had changed SO much!!  He was so handsome.  I agreed to go out with him, and our first date was October 23, 2001.

Chapter 1

I've decided that I would address these posts as chapters.  Only because I need to keep track of what I've posted so that I don't repeat myself.  Also, as our lives unfold it does unfold like chapters in a book.  Each chapter of life brings new events, trials, obstacles, triumphs, heartache, and happiness.  It is my belief, at least with the limited books I've read, that every chapter brings something different.  Different situations, thoughts, challenges, and accomplishments.  As is life.

So Chapter 1....

These writings are for my children.  My two girls need to have record of where they came from, and they need to know their Mom's story.  Their Mom's story of life as it is now and has been lived.  I promise nothing proper when it comes to grammar or spelling.  My thoughts will jump around, and my thought process is nothing but bouncing off the walls.  Holding my attention has never been easy.  From the time I was little I have been a great multi-tasker.  Probably because I never seem to have only one thought in my mind at once.  I picture my brain like a bingo machine.  The big spinner that holds all the balls.  You've all played.  Each one of those brightly colored balls is an idea or thought in my head.  The machine is constantly spinning, and finally it picks one particular ball, or in my case, one thought.  However, that thought (ball) doesn't stay very long.  It's a fast paced game going on up there.  Talking too quickly before thinking things through; I've mastered that!!  I have put my foot in my mouth more than once.  I have learned to slow the bingo game down a bit as I have gotten older.  I really try to think about my words, especially if I'm talking to someone, before I repeat or say them.  I've always been quick to emotions.  I wear them on the surface, however, there has been a long chapter of my life where I kept all emotions silent.  Tucked deep, deep, deep beneath the surface.  Medication helped keep those feelings in check.  Hiding as though under a big rock that nobody could move.  Those emotions laid quiet.  Hibernating for almost 10 years.

If you've ever turned a rock over there are lots of things going on under there.  It's almost like a secret city that you never knew existed.  Different insects crawling around madly, different plants or algae growing, a great darkness hiding everything, and the weight of the large boulder pressing everything living lower and lower into the ground.  Until you roll that rock over you never really know how crazy it is underneath.  Everything looks normal on the surface.  The rock looks sturdy, firm, and confident in its resting place.  But when the rock is lifted from its spot all the craziness and madness is very clear for everyone to see.  Today whenever I see large rocks or boulders I still put this analogy together with my married life.  For me it was a cover.  Just like the sound rock proud in its place is really a cover for what is underneath.  It is hiding something.  That is the job of the rock.  To be the protector of everything weak underneath.

I went to Junior High and High School with my ex-husband.  My first memory of him was in 7th or 8th grade.  He would walk down the hall and say hello to everyone.  Although I was impressed that he knew so many kids' names, I thought to myself he was a little weird.  We all know that kid in school.  Just a little different, but very nice, helpful, and sincere.  The kind that never seems to have a "best" friend, but has lots of "friends."  Everyday after math I would go to my locker before lunch to put my books away before heading to the cafeteria.  Drew's English class was in the same hall as my math class and without fail everyday he would pass my locker and say "Hi Sara."  Now, I'll admit this openly.  I was not the sweetest little thing in junior high school.  In fact I was a little self centered, awkward, dermatologically challenged, and quite the tom-boy.  Bottom line....I thought I was too good for this nerd! Really my friends I know it is hard to believe but I was not the best person back in those days, but that's another story.

Time went by.  We had classes together but nothing really came of anything.  You see I discovered sports in junior high and they became my life.  Whether on tv or after school I was watching, playing, or practicing sports.  Mainly basketball.  I didn't feel so awkward when I played ball.  I felt as though I belonged somewhere, and it helped that I was actually good at it.  I came from an athletic family.  Siblings that knew how to move with a ball made it easy for me to want to follow in their footsteps.  To this day, I will never forget my dad getting into a pretty heated argument over a foul call with a referee during a city game.  I can say that I have not yet gotten to that point at some of Ellie's games, but I make no promises.  Playing sports and school became my "job" until I went to Weber State in 1996.  While I was pretending to be Michael Jordan, Drew was in a whole different crowd at school.  The drama performances and choir groups were his thing.  Back in the early 1990's (at least in my mind) choir and drama people were total geeks.  (I would just like to apologize to my friends who were also in these groups in high school.  Like I said before, I thought I knew everything back then.) I was under this misrepresentation that all drama and choir people were either completely stuck up or full on dorks.  I never have acquired a liking for the arts, but this misrepresentation I am speaking of was "The Word according to Sara."  I have since stopped believing that all boys who want to sing and dance must be gay.  It was a narrow and shallow point of view don't you think. :)